Now I'm a Doctor (hood and all)

I was hooded today in recognition of my doctoral degree by Dean Stewart of the College of Nursing and Dr. Teresa Kelechi, my research mentor.

I do not like being the subject of attention - especially the hundreds who attended the convocation ceremony! Stress ran pretty high, and I broke down emotionally once I saw my family afterward - it was a moment of feeling the weight of all the trials we passed through together on the way to this degree. Cancer immediately came to mind, and I was crying with joy that God allowed me to survive to see this moment.

After I got the tears out, I was able to have a little fun with my family, and my dear friend, Dr. Lisa Sternke, part of my original 2007 matriculating class at MUSC. We were trying to look studious - she did a pretty good job, but I just look mischievous. I guess I'll have to work on that expression if I'm going to be taken seriously as a professor! HA! I'd much rather have students who can laugh with me!

Thanks to everyone who took time to lend support in the form of comments, encouragement, and prayers over the 4 years it took to obtain my PhD.

In the Margins

It takes place in the margins: car rides, mornings snuggled in my bed, bedtime, talks on the couch with my eldest. This is the overarching beauty of homeschool, undone from the confines of the 8-3 time frame, we learn together organically with the rhythm of our days. Katy reads her history book voraciously, and we talk about how much courage it took for Christopher Columbus to ask a third king and queen for funding after he'd been turned down by two European governments already. Rosy and I play a word game of antonyms and synonyms on car rides, a constant verbal back and forth that both builds vocabulary and grammar skills. Amy learns her letters and phonics on the iPhone, curled up next to me, describing the letters in her unique right-brained way ("B" is a snowman on a stick, "G" a kitten curled up, "A" an Indian teepee). Caleb astounds us all by rocketing through the alphabet to early reading skills at 3 1/2, and doing Rosy's addition exercises. He tells me all about trapezoids, in between little boy antics painting his skin brown with cocoa and pestering his sisters at naptime.

Pantry fall-out from Caleb's exploits in cocoa powder yesterday

How do your homeschool days look? I have a 3rd grader, a 1st grader, and two in preschool. We spend only about an hour of structured school time each day, and the rest falls into place around that. Most of our official school hours are spent on math and science. The rest, so far, is done via computer or verbal exchange. I expect this to change as our homeschool matures, but for now, it is what works in the busyness of family life.

Linked up to Lisa-Jo's 5 Minute Friday writing exercise

And, for fun, 25 Ways to Encourage Young Homeschooling Moms:
1. Ask her what her children are learning...and listen to her answers
2. What are her fears about homeschooling her children?
3. Share an experience you've recently had with a homeschooled child
4. Get her talking about her curriculum choices!
5. Ask her what her biggest dream for homeschooling is.
6. Offer to watch her little ones for an hour so she can dig in with the older kids.
7. Fold her laundry...especially all the socks!
8. Notice one thing each of her children is especially good at, and write her a note telling her their strengths.
9. If you see something homegrown & educational on Pinterest or elsewhere on the web, share the idea with her.
10. Draw her children out socially, and compliment them when they interact well.
11. Support community programs for homeschoolers in your area, and tell her you did so.
12. Share a favorite verse, blog post, or devotional on perseverance. Print it out and mail it to her.
13. Offer your services in something you're very good at...pottery, art, music, science? Help share her burden!
14. Drive her kids to an event once a month to give her a morning to herself.
15. Offer to go with her to the library...and pay her fines for her!
16. Ask her if she's saving any household items for homeschool projects (toilet paper rolls? Kleenex boxes?) and give her your extras.
17. Give the children a gift subscription to National Geographic Kids, God's World News, Ranger Rick, or Highlights.
18. Offer childcare so she and her husband can have a date night.
19. Accompany the family to a homeschool fair, book sale, or conference and watch the children during workshops or shopping times so she can focus.
20. Pay the entrance fee for the children to take a gym class or participate in a sport.
21. Listen to her concerns about time management and homeschooling.
22. Give the family an unused bookshelf or organizational system you have around the house.
23. Surprise her with a visit and make coffee for her...then sit down and chat!
24. Give her a gift card to a local salon or spa for a manicure or facial.
25. Do the dishes and mop the kitchen floor!

Beginning December

We woke up to a white world yesterday, a damp snow clinging to the hillsides and trees. Today the sun shines through a fine hoar frost. We are enjoying an unexpected December vacation at home, Aaron off for my graduation dream that did not materialize. We make plans to get our Christmas tree and take a short trip to the Cities. It is a lovely way to start December, and I shake off sleepiness this morning to join in the fun.

Thank you for all the comments on my post "grace in the discards". I have been truly blessed by each and every one of you who called or commented to support me on a gray day!

One brick short of a sidewalk

One rope less, and this post at the marina would lean or give.

I am the leaning post. I stand only because of Jesus.

The strands in my rope, my husband, my family,

my small tassel of friends.

The longest bridge of it's type depends on each and every cable.

One cable snapped and it would have to be immediately replaced.

One less pound of concrete and the supports would collapse.

One less pound of flesh leaning as the sailboats keel,

and they flounder in the wind or capsize into the current.

A woman alone is a sad thing.

I make my list, the list of friends remaining.

Many far away. But there is always the phone.

Several left here, and my family, too.

But tears flow for each and every piece of my life

that crumbled into the raging storm of the past year.

Sadness as if those beloved to me had died.

Lord, comfort me.

A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need. Proverbs 17:17

Rebuilding

Here, my dear

This is where

We'll shake the nightmares free

I dream to hold you in my arms

I dream to hold you in my arms

To hold you in my arms

Wide awake in my arms

I think I figured it out

We need to be together

Like the shore and the sea

We are not one thing

We're drawn here together

My ocean and me

Love we sleep apart

For the last time

For the last time

~Jon Foreman, Hold You in My Arms~

I keep waking up pummeling my husband at the end of a nightmare. Rape. It's a word we don't say out loud very often. Hush, hush! Who wants to admit it happened to them, too?

Rebuilding the house is difficult, draining, stretches me to the end of my perseverance. I celebrate small victories: no self-harm for over 2 weeks now, laughing at a joke with my husband. family sing-alongs around the piano, giving Rosy her piano lessons in spite of the turmoil of my soul.

But this is an eternal house I'm rebuliding. Reeducating my soul is one of those few building projects that will last for all eternity. It's worth the time, the energy, and the perseverance.

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. (Romans 5:1-5)

I desire character and hope. I want to emerge with more of both. Right now it feels like tug-of-war with evil every day and every night. Through the flashbacks and the nightmares, I know my soul is processing memories that are too big to simply think about. Looking forward, I may need medication for a long times...years even. God didn't give me stubbornness for no reason. I'm digging my heels in. This enemy is gaining not an inch from me anymore. My commander is the Lord of the Universe, my infantry Christians who stand shoulder to shoulder, shields in front and helmets on tight, swords held high (Ephesians 6:10-20).

This verse is a sharp thrust right in the gut, the sucker-punch that you don't see coming. The reminder that God is not happy-clappy - He has big things in mind, and you are part of them. Build with the right materials and your life will make a lasting, eternal impact.

....each one should be careful how he builds. For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man’s work. If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames. Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit lives in you? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him; for God’s temple is sacred, and you are that temple. (ICorinthians 3:10-17)

don’t give up tonight

I know you’re going through the valley, 

but you’re gonna make it out alright

Hey, tell your troubles goodbye

Go on and leave it in the valley,

leave it in the valley tonight

So you think He don’t know what He’s doing

You think He ain’t by your side

Well, God knows when you’re broken

And He’s loving you, He’s holding you so, so tight

So let the rain fall

He’ll be standing there getting wet with you

You might get cold but you won’t be there alone

And when you’re hanging by a thread hold on

You know the darkest part is right before the dawn

So when your fear has worn you out

Feels like the sky is on the ground

He ain’t gonna let you down

He’ll never let you down

~Mandisa, Leave It In the Valley~

Ebb & flow

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak...Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4, 6-7 KJV

I have received a lot of extra hugs, phone calls and e-mails of love and reassurance since my last post. This community of friends and family God has placed me in amazes me continually as I walk this path. At every turn, I am greeted by a friend offering something that blesses me and heals me in a special way. All of you are such an important part of living - that glorious experience, a free gift to each of us, infinitely sacred and beautiful. I think of the things that are beautiful: oil paintings, photographs, quilts, old hand-hewn furniture and tools, antique machines of all kinds, certain colors, textures, plants, sounds, and smells. All these are just snapshots of a beautiful, panoramic, constantly changing landscape of life. It is the complicated and beautiful nature of my life that makes it so difficult to give up as it is today. It is like taking my most treasured possession...that thing that I value and guard and keep in a secret place...and handing it over, palms up, eyes closed, not wanting to see the moment in which it could be taken from me. Putting on vulnerability as a garment, with humbleness and faith and dignity.

It comes and goes, this grief over loss. It is not constant, but washes in and out in waves, with lulls in between that are so peaceful. It feels natural, organic. Merciful. Quiet.