These photos are from a few days ago. What do you do when cancer lurks once again in the wings? Pull out a tea set! (I should have been a Brit)
Hello, 2010!
Here it is...the long awaited next year, 2010. Hopefully, a year of health and peace for our family. If it is, to God be the glory. If not, to God be the glory as well.
These photos are from a few days ago. What do you do when cancer lurks once again in the wings? Pull out a tea set! (I should have been a Brit)
These photos are from a few days ago. What do you do when cancer lurks once again in the wings? Pull out a tea set! (I should have been a Brit)
Opening hands to receive
Ring out the old, ring in the new,Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.
Ring out old shapes of foul disease,
Ring out the narrowing lust of gold;
Ring out the thousand wars of old,
Ring in the thousand years of peace.
Ring in the valiant man and free,
The larger heart, the kindlier hand;
Ring out the darkness of the land,
Ring in the Christ that is to be.
~ from Ring Out, Wild Bells, by Alfred, Lord Tennyson
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.
Ring out old shapes of foul disease,
Ring out the narrowing lust of gold;
Ring out the thousand wars of old,
Ring in the thousand years of peace.
Ring in the valiant man and free,
The larger heart, the kindlier hand;
Ring out the darkness of the land,
Ring in the Christ that is to be.
~ from Ring Out, Wild Bells, by Alfred, Lord Tennyson
Surgery is canceled. I just got the phone call from the doctor. After several reviews of the ultrasound, the radiologists feel that the area of question on my ovary is resolving. It would be silly to take out a perfectly healthy ovary. So as of right now, I don't even need follow up with the gynecology team. I should be dancing around. But this constant roller-coaster ride really has me reeling. I go from watchful news on Monday, to frightening news on Tuesday, to perfect health on Thursday? What is wrong with this picture? It really reminds me what I have always known...just like the mechanics who work on our cars, and the repairmen who fix our appliances, doctors and nurses are artists, not clairvoyant. As they try to fill in the blanks on my life's tapestry, there are some mistakes, and some stops and starts, and some differing opinions.
Basically, this news leaves me rejoicing that I can have fun with my family next week. Reinforces the fact that I can't weep at the first foretelling of bad news, nor can I dance with abandon with each glimpse of happier days to come. I just can't handle that type of up and down emotionally. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. Let's walk methodically up the mountains and down into the valleys. I really can't stand the tumble from top to bottom.
Today: praise God there is no cancer obvious on my ovary. Praise God that I don't have to face menopause on top of all else. Praise God that Amy is walking, talking, laughing, skipping, feeding herself. Praise God we are together, and that we will have a whole year's reprieve from radioactive iodine.
Tomorrow: pray He heals this cancer. Pray the tumor marker test miraculously goes down rather than up by next November. Pray our suffering is lessened in 2010. Pray we glorify God in joy next year instead. Pray for health. Pray for peace. Pray for endurance. Pray for willingness.
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light that is coming
for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth
~ Never Let Go, Matt Redman
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light that is coming
for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth
~ Never Let Go, Matt Redman
...do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God
will be with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)
will be with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)
The silent embrace
I found this on Zach Nielsen's blog the other day, while I was preparing to post my latest cancer news.
Perfect.
from the blog of Chris Brauns:
Listen here.
Perfect.
from the blog of Chris Brauns:
If you aren’t suffering terribly right now, you know someone who is. John Piper (12/27/09) preached on suffering and Romans 8:15-25 at the Village Church who recently learned that their young senior pastor, Matt Chandler, has a malignant brain tumor. (See these posts on suffering).
Piper introduced his sermon by stating that the first thing believers should do do with those who are suffering is hug them. No words. Just silent hugs. But, Piper also noted that those who are hugging must have a place to stand. That is, if we are going to make it through the suffering in this life apart from anger and bitterness, then we must know sound doctrine and how suffering fits with the plan of God.
If you can only listen to a few minutes of this sermon, it will be a wonderful investment of your time.
Out of the fry pan...
It gets tiresome to report bad news. We are, at the moment, jumping out of the frying pan and directly into the fire.
My oncology appointment went...well and poorly. Well in the sense that, because of my current lifetime dose of radioactive iodine, and the amount I am expected to need in the future, I won't have an ablation at this time, nor will I have another scan until November, 2010. That is excellent news, as I hate to be separated from my family for the long periods necessary after the iodine scans.
Then came the bad news. I have two tests each time I go for a scan, the whole body scan, which looks for iodine uptake: this came back relatively normal, with minimal uptake in my neck and lots of uptake in my pelvis (typical as the iodine is eliminated by bowel and bladder). Secondly, I have a blood test for a tumor marker (thyroglobulin). My tumor marker, which had been mildly positive even after the surgical removal of my cancer, was completely negative after my ablation: the best news possible - it appeared that all of my remaining thyroid tissue and cancer was killed by the ablation! At three months post, in March, my tumor marker level was 0.05, considered "undetectable". Remember the celebration?
Now my thyroglobulin is 2.5 ug/L. That's 50 times higher than it was just seven months prior. Yikes. While it is still within my doctor's "acceptable" range - meaning I don't need another ablation (treatment) dose of radioactive iodine in January - it is high enough to confirm that there is active cancer somewhere in my body. It is somewhat concerning that not much showed up on the scan, because that means we still don't really know where the cancer is lurking or whether or not it is still susceptible to the radioactive iodine. Both my endocrinologist and OB/GYN surgeon are very concerned about the mass on my ovary in light of the new lab test value. The OB/GYN has previously said it is probably a cyst, but this was without full understanding of how my tumor manifested in 2008. Of particular concern is the appearance of the mass on ultrasound, as well as the similar level of growth following a pregnancy. There is still a chance that the mass could be a large hematoma that is not being reabsorbed, or an abcess.
But the most likely option is cancer. Thyroid cancer growing on my ovary. Metastasis.
I am scheduled for an ultrasound tomorrow to get another look at the mass, which can now be felt from the outside on my lower abdomen. I will have surgery at 10 a.m. on Monday, January 4th. My surgeon will start with laparascopy, and then move to an open abdominal incision if it looks like either cancer or abcess. Obviously, recovery from a laparascopy - as well as an outcome of finding a cyst rather than a tumor! - would be highly preferable. I would beg for prayers to that end.
I am trying not let worry carry me away. What would it really profit me, at this point? I can't do anything beyond what I've already done. I suppose I should have had it removed earlier, but it just didn't work, with cancer scan and Christmas filling my schedule. It is altogether too reminiscent of my original diagnostic experience with the original cancer in June, 2008. The constant reassurances that it would be so improbable to have that large of a cancerous tumor suddenly appear on my ovary. The nagging feeling that I knew this was coming - this specific thing. I read several articles (preview here and here) about this rare occurance last year when researching prior to my ablation. And I just had a gut feeling it would be me in those shoes. I don't know why. That just means I won't be shocked if it's cancer, I guess.
Jesus, I am resting, resting,
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.
Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee,
And Thy beauty fills my soul,
For by Thy transforming power,
Thou hast made me whole.
Ever lift Thy face upon me
As I work and wait for Thee;
Resting ’neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus,
Earth’s dark shadows flee.
Brightness of my Father’s glory,
Sunshine of my Father’s face,
Keep me ever trusting, resting,
Fill me with Thy grace.
~ Jesus, I am Resting, Resting by Jean Pigott, 1876
My oncology appointment went...well and poorly. Well in the sense that, because of my current lifetime dose of radioactive iodine, and the amount I am expected to need in the future, I won't have an ablation at this time, nor will I have another scan until November, 2010. That is excellent news, as I hate to be separated from my family for the long periods necessary after the iodine scans.Then came the bad news. I have two tests each time I go for a scan, the whole body scan, which looks for iodine uptake: this came back relatively normal, with minimal uptake in my neck and lots of uptake in my pelvis (typical as the iodine is eliminated by bowel and bladder). Secondly, I have a blood test for a tumor marker (thyroglobulin). My tumor marker, which had been mildly positive even after the surgical removal of my cancer, was completely negative after my ablation: the best news possible - it appeared that all of my remaining thyroid tissue and cancer was killed by the ablation! At three months post, in March, my tumor marker level was 0.05, considered "undetectable". Remember the celebration?
Now my thyroglobulin is 2.5 ug/L. That's 50 times higher than it was just seven months prior. Yikes. While it is still within my doctor's "acceptable" range - meaning I don't need another ablation (treatment) dose of radioactive iodine in January - it is high enough to confirm that there is active cancer somewhere in my body. It is somewhat concerning that not much showed up on the scan, because that means we still don't really know where the cancer is lurking or whether or not it is still susceptible to the radioactive iodine. Both my endocrinologist and OB/GYN surgeon are very concerned about the mass on my ovary in light of the new lab test value. The OB/GYN has previously said it is probably a cyst, but this was without full understanding of how my tumor manifested in 2008. Of particular concern is the appearance of the mass on ultrasound, as well as the similar level of growth following a pregnancy. There is still a chance that the mass could be a large hematoma that is not being reabsorbed, or an abcess.
But the most likely option is cancer. Thyroid cancer growing on my ovary. Metastasis.
I am scheduled for an ultrasound tomorrow to get another look at the mass, which can now be felt from the outside on my lower abdomen. I will have surgery at 10 a.m. on Monday, January 4th. My surgeon will start with laparascopy, and then move to an open abdominal incision if it looks like either cancer or abcess. Obviously, recovery from a laparascopy - as well as an outcome of finding a cyst rather than a tumor! - would be highly preferable. I would beg for prayers to that end.
I am trying not let worry carry me away. What would it really profit me, at this point? I can't do anything beyond what I've already done. I suppose I should have had it removed earlier, but it just didn't work, with cancer scan and Christmas filling my schedule. It is altogether too reminiscent of my original diagnostic experience with the original cancer in June, 2008. The constant reassurances that it would be so improbable to have that large of a cancerous tumor suddenly appear on my ovary. The nagging feeling that I knew this was coming - this specific thing. I read several articles (preview here and here) about this rare occurance last year when researching prior to my ablation. And I just had a gut feeling it would be me in those shoes. I don't know why. That just means I won't be shocked if it's cancer, I guess.
Jesus, I am resting, resting,
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.
Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee,
And Thy beauty fills my soul,
For by Thy transforming power,
Thou hast made me whole.
Ever lift Thy face upon me
As I work and wait for Thee;
Resting ’neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus,
Earth’s dark shadows flee.
Brightness of my Father’s glory,
Sunshine of my Father’s face,
Keep me ever trusting, resting,
Fill me with Thy grace.
~ Jesus, I am Resting, Resting by Jean Pigott, 1876