Abiding

Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. (John 15:4-5)


Greek looks so cool that sometimes I just have to include it: μείνατε (abide, continue, dwell, endure, be present, remain, stand, tarry). I absolutely love the simplicity of my children's example as it relates to my relationship to God as His child. I spent one week apart from my one-year-old son. One week. Not a very long time, to most people. Many of my acquaintances travel away from their little ones frequently, and wouldn't think much of a separation like this. For our particular family, we have chosen a closer walk through these early days of infancy and childhood: co-sleeping, few babysitters, and homeschooling for the early years. Part of the reason is this concept of abiding, that through contact with us - and their older siblings - our children will grow more easily in the direction we desire them to grow. I want to be the pruner of these little minds and hearts. That is not something I am willing to abdicate to someone else.

And so, where the rubber meets the road, the sling comes in handy. With baby on my back, the dishes might actually get done. With baby on my back, the laundry can be folded or the floor scrubbed - happy tasks, when completed in unison. So I am to be with Christ: learning as I watch Him move in relationships; learning as I see how He dealt with sorrow through the great trials of His short life (he lived to be barely older than I am now).

Today is Palm Sunday. That great story, of how Jesus road into Jerusalem triumphant, being hailed a King, people laying their coats on the ground to create a humble carpet on which He rode. He would be crucified just five days later. In my humanness, I would ride into town indignant, unable to absorb or accept honor bestowed on me. If I knew that I would be betrayed and put to death less than a week later, many of the same faces now upturned in joy shortly contorted with hatred? No chance that I would ride triumphant, able to be in that moment entirely! I think back to how long I prepared my children for this recent separation we experienced: I spent weeks talking about it and preparing them for what was to come. Yet here rides Jesus, accompanied by His disciples, who bask with Him in the glow of this adoration from the crowd. And on Palm Sunday eve, as Jesus speaks to His disciples, He is still speaking in parables. Gently moving them toward truth, realization of His impending sacrifice.

How much I have yet to learn at His feet. So I am sticking close, abiding, tarrying, remaining. Watching, through His great book, how He goes about daily tasks. That I might emulate Him more closely tomorrow than I do today.

Emerging

These two photos, from September 2008 and April 2009, capture my feelings exactly. A metamorphosis of our family from plump days of exuberance and fertile happiness to a thinner-cheeked, wiser and more settled, peaceful joy. Six months of suffering and waiting on the Lord. We emerge the same, yet different. Guarded and introspective in new ways. Learners of hard lessons. Treasurers of random moments of bliss, like an unexpected Friday evening visit to a cold park in spring. Listening to new strains of an age-old tune, more sensitive to the quiet strains of beautiful music that surround us in our ordinary days.


I must decrease...

...He must increase. No one can receive a single thing unless it's given to him from heaven." (John 3:27 & 30)

Statistics are something most cancer patients avoid like the plague. I remember back to last September, when I met with the oncologist at Mayo for the first time post-surgery. At that time, I was quoted a MACIS score of 3.97 and 5-year survival odds of 97%. In October, when I met with the local oncologist I am now seeing, with new pathology results in hand, my MACIS score was re-calculated to be 4.97, and my 5-year survival odds plummeted to 89%, with 10-year survival odds of 77%. No one likes to hear that, by age 39, there is a 33% chance that one might be dead from a supposedly "good" cancer. It's not something I've talked a whole lot about. Mostly because I lost all faith in statistics after observing how physicians sometimes twisted them to coerce patients into treatment plans that they otherwise might never have chosen.

The good news in all this talk of surviving or dying is that my survival "odds" have just taken a giant leap for the better. As humans, we constantly strive to force God's hand...or, at the very least, get Him to tip His cosmic knowledge our direction so we can get a sneak peek at what is to come for us and those we love. My odds have jumped from 89% at 5 years to 97%, and remain high through the 30 year mark. It is difficult for me to know how to react. My first reaction is praise and rejoicing, which God says should be my first response to everything (in everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. ~ I Thessalonians 5:18). And then my mind says, well, there was a 3% chance that it would be cancer when they first found the lump. Then there was a 3% chance that it would be malignant. Then there was less than 1% chance that it would have exploded from it's capsule and invaded my blood stream. The only positive light: there was less than 3% chance that the I-131 would work so quickly and completely when my thyroglobulin levels came back positive last November. So now there's a 3% chance it will kill me. Yep, I still have no idea what to make of this statistic.

So I am just reporting it to you, dear reader. As it was reported to me. I don't know how to respond to it. I think I will just leave it be, a neutral fact without much meaning. But at least a more positive fact than the one I was given in November.

Peace defeats rage

"He fixed thee mid this dance
Of plastic circumstance,
This Present, thou, forsooth, wouldst fain arrest:
Machinery just meant
To give thy soul its bent,
Try thee and turn thee forth, sufficiently impressed."
(Robert Browning, from Rabbi Ben Ezra)

Before I left for my latest scan, I was upstairs, sorting through old hat boxes from high school. The old, scented dust rose from crackled remains of dried rose petals, photos with edges curled, a few award plaques, a hat or two from my extensive and eccentric collection amassed at yard sales and flea markets in the early 1990's. I found some treasure, as one always does in old boxes: long-lost baby photos of my sweet brother Benjamin; a packet of letters from a friend recently reunited with; a list of goals I wrote as a senior, mostly fulfilled by this (young) age of 30. I found this poem among the scraps of paper saved. I penned it in the awkward script of fourteen. Posted it on my bedroom door for years, a talisman against self doubt and the inherent rage-against-the-machine of figuring out your purpose in life as a teen in a self-absorbed culture.

How fitting, still...these lines. "This Present," I "forsooth, wouldst fain arrest". For still I am not sufficiently impressed. Still being broken, remolded, reshaped in an image far greater than that which I would naturally grow into. I want to die in 60 years or so, much more than the sum of my wrinkles and white hairs.

I am pleased as punch to be in a place where I can finally say, "I have learned to wait. I have learned to rest. I have learned the discipline of being a soul at peace amid turmoil." I don't think I've perfected it - don't get me wrong. But how much better I am at these quiet arts than I was a year ago! Another scrap of paper is pasted to my window sill near my kitchen sink, a talisman against self doubt and the regrettable rage-against-the-machine of figuring out that your purpose in life is still subject to an invisible, unknowable God - not to mention a world of other humans struggling along with free will.

"Do not fret or have anxiety about anything,
but in every circumstance & in everything,
by prayer & petition (DEFINITE REQUESTS), with thanksgiving,
continue to make your wants known to God.
And God's peace shall be yours,
that tranquil state of a soul assured of it's salvation
through Christ, & so fearing nothing from God &

BEING CONTENT WITH IT'S EARTHLY LOT OF WHATEVER SORT THAT IS,
that peace which transcends all understanding
shall garrison & mount guard over your hearts & minds in Christ Jesus...

I am READY FOR ANYTHING & equal to anything through Christ
WHO INFUSES INNER STRENGTH INTO ME."
(Phil. 4:6,7,14, emphasis mine)


He gave my voice back, USE IT WISELY! 6.29.2008