It's nice to be a kid again

I've never once regretted my childhood. I think I had the best childhood of anyone I know. I know I was an old soul in a child's body. Looking back, I can see how abuse colored the way I was then. I can see how it stole from who I was. 

I'm in cancer remission now, and I look back on cancer, and I can't say I regret my four year battle with that, either. It changed me, no doubt. My children, too. But do I regret it - even one minute of it? No.

Today we were driving home from a doctor's appointment, the air laden with rain and cool for the first time in weeks. We turned off the air conditioning, opened up the windows and had a screaming contest as we drove down the country road. Caleb's was the most piercing, Amy's the most horrifying, Rosy's the most high-pitched, Katy sounded the most like she was dying, and mine was the loudest. We laughed and laughed, all the way home. The kids called me the silliest mom on the planet. They said I was just like a kid, the best friend-mom kids could have.

Maybe I didn't learn to be a romantic until I was in my 30's. Maybe I lost something of my childhood when I was eight, and so I get to do it all over again while my oldest is eight. Is that so bad?

With every loss, there's an opportunity for gain. Joy explodes through the cracks. No way am I going to waste time focusing on all the bad that got me to this moment. Because this moment? It couldn't possibly be better. And it wouldn't be possible without all that bad.

Thus says the Lord: “Keep your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for there is a reward for your work," declares the Lord, "There is hope for your future." (Jeremiah 31:16-17 exc.)

A place to call home

In 2010, we were expelled from a church we'd called home for over 10 years. At first, the very thought of going through another set of church doors was nothing short of nauseating. How could we trust another church after being burned by the very people who professed to love us like Christ does?

The months passed, and the children asked every Sunday if we could go to church. Any church. For a while, we attended the church of some close friends. This transient experience was necessary both for us to heal and to start a conversation about what a comfortable church home would look like to our family.

I imagine there are others out there facing the same questions. Here is the process we went through when selecting a new church home. It is our hope and prayer that our careful approach to finding a new church will protect our family in some measure from the mistakes and wounds of the past. So, here's how we did it:

1. Make a list of necessities
• For us, this included the Gospel preached clearly and often; pastoral accountability; a grace-filled congregation where all were welcome; and a place that felt different enough from our last church that we weren't hit with a panic attack as soon as we walked in the door.
2. Make a wish list
• We hoped to find a church that was egalitarian, had high quality children's programming through which the Gospel was proclaimed, showed musical excellence, and followed a traditional liturgical style of worship
3. Lists in hand, start browsing church websites and their denominational websites to explore how well the church/denomination matches with your needs and desires. For us, this pre-screening process whittled a list of dozens of churches down to 3-5 that fit our style.
4. When you walk through the doors, you should immediately sense GRACE. Are the people welcoming? Are there tattooed, homeless, broken people welcomed in the pews? Can gay couples attend? Divorcees? People of color or a different culture than the majority?
5. How does the pastor interact with the parishioners? Is the shepherd serving the flock, or are the sheep serving the shepherd? A glance at extracurricular programming may help you answer this question and also shed light on women's roles in the church.
6. What are the sermons like? Does Christ play a central role in the teachings? Are the sermons about Biblical principles, or are they topical? Do you like the style of the sermons?
7. If you don't identify any warning signs, you can attend your "maybe" church for a few months.
8. Now is the time to meet with the pastor. Go to the meeting armed with your necessity and wish lists. Be prepared with a list of questions and if you've experienced poor pastoral care in certain areas in the past, be sure to find out how this new pastor would handle that type of situation.
9. One key question to ask: has this church ever had to use church discipline? If so, how was the matter resolved? Does the person who was disciplined still attend church there? Ask for the name and phone number of that person so you can hear their side of the story.
10. Attend a board or deacon's meeting to observe how the pastor interacts with the staff who hold him accountable. Who really runs the show, the pastor or the board? Who has the last say?
11. Ask for the name and phone number of a parishioner who no longer attends, and go out to coffee with them if possible. Why did they leave? Were there problems with the church that prompted them to seek a new church home?
12. Ask to see a copy of the church budget for the preceding year. What are the main financial focuses of the church? Are missions a big part of church giving? How closely associated is the church to their denomination in terms of financial giving? What local ministries does the church support?
13. Go to dinner at the pastor's home. How does he interact with his family in his normal home environment? What are his wife and children like? Who does most of the talking? Does the pastor share in household duties, or is he served by his wife and children?
14. Sit in for some of the children's church or events to see how children are treated and whether they are presented with the Gospel on a regular basis.
15. If you can't get a straight answer about major church theological/doctrinal issues, such as whether the church is egalitarian or complementarian, observe how those issues are lived out in church life. What are the roles of women in the church? How does the church treat homosexuals? 
16. If you are interested in ministry, obtain a list of duties lay men and women can perform in this church. For instance, are women able to read scripture to the church, pray for the church? Or are they segregated to women's groups or serving in the church kitchen?

Poopy Undies: Finding the Allegory in Everyday Mothering

We have kittens here at the yellow farmhouse...the official harbinger of summer, this first litter of the year. Mama cat is our independent, skittish one, and she is alarmingly protective of her two tiny charges. We've just recently started retrieving the kittens from the rafters of the garage for daily taming sessions in the arms of the children.

It only happens with young mama cats, and usually only with their first litter: if you take the kittens away too soon, Mama will quit nursing them. The growing bond is broken, and just the smell of people on those kittens can cause the mother to abandon them.

I watch Mama Cat pacing up and down the porch while the children play with the kittens in the sunset. I wonder if I'm like her. I remember 2005, when my 2nd baby was a fuss-budget who learned to crawl at 4 months, a lot sooner than she learned to listen. Shaken by many near-choking scares as my mobile infant explored the house, and worn out with chasing two toddlers around, I brought up the subject of returning to work as an R.N. Aaron was decidedly not in favor: not only did it make financial sense for one of us to stay home, he felt the children were better off in my care, however worn out and frustrated I was feeling.

That one conversation turned into months of verbal battles on the subject. I had my 3rd baby when number 2 was only 18 months old - 3 children 3 and under. Faced now with sort-of triplets, I really started to lose traction. Then, when my 3rd was only 4 months old, I found out I was pregnant again. This heralded a maelstrom of grown up temper tantrums the likes of which I had never seen and didn't know I could throw. For some reason, potty training brought out my absolute worst as a mother - I found it frustrating beyond frustrating, and I was also grossed out by the whole process. I attempted to potty train my 3rd while her sibling was in utero because I thought the only thing worse than potty training was having two in diapers! Boy, was I wrong! Forcing her to train early meant month after month of daily poopy underwear, which are the world's most impossible item to clean - especially without gagging when you have morning sickness.***

That was my wake-up call - poopy undies. I was at the absolute end of my physical and mental resources, and I had to do something to get my temper tantrums under control. The wife of my pastor - a wise and very gentle woman! - talked about her own struggles and pointed me in the direction of some key Scriptures as I battled my frustration. I memorized Proverbs 29:11: A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control. I'm sure my girls will have hilarious memories of waiting in trepidation for me to reprimand them while I muttered this verse under my breath over and over until my head quit steaming!

Eventually, I gave up. On all of it. Potty training. Being supermom/Merry Maid/Julia Child. I even acquiesced about going back to work. After all, I couldn't imagine having the energy to keep clean scrubs folded for myself, let alone gather my wits to perform well at a job.

A few brief months after I waved the white flag in the employment battle, a graduate school opportunity landed in my lap, clearly providential. Next, I was diagnosed with cancer, and my treatment demanded separation from my kids (and household duties) for weeks on end. I stretched my intellectual wings online each day as I began working on my doctoral degree. And breathed an "aaaah" of relief when I got a mini-vacation from mothering.

I've often wondered if God wanted me to give in before He blessed me with opportunities to continue my career and life aside from my children. Looking back, I think I would've pulled a "Mama Cat" move if I had chosen to go back to work when Rosy was an infant: not only relieved, but feeling guilty for the relief, of the task and intimacy of at-home mothering, I think I would have pulled away from my children emotionally, and perhaps even physically. I think it was good to tough it out, learn to deal and control my temper. If I hadn't done the work then, I'd probably still be doing it. In the midst of that frustrating period of mothering, I had little hope for fulfillment of my prayers for my career. Had I acted on my wishes instead of waiting for God's timing, I may not have gone back to graduate school, homeschooled my kids, or had such a delightful time with them once I overcame my temper issues.

Thus says the Lord, "In an acceptable and favorable time I have heard and answered you, and in a day of salvation." (Isaiah 49:8)

How about you? Do you work outside the home? Do you or your spouse do full time childcare? How do you keep your mind engaged when spending a lot of time with children who can barely speak? Do you have career dreams that are (or have been) put on hold for the sake of family?




***I didn't get Amy trained before Caleb was born. The two of them were in diapers until Caleb was 10 months old (and Amy had just turned 2). And no, it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought to have two in diapers!