Defying Death: Adventure & Mortality

There is a grievous evil I have seen under the sun: riches kept by the owner to his hurt, and those riches perish by evil adventure... (Ecclesiastes 5)

I am an adrenaline junkie. This trait is the product of the many times I was urged on by my younger brothers, only to chicken out at the last second. So many trees I didn't jump out of...races I didn't engage in...hills I refused to slide down. By college, I pushed myself hard to learn to snowboard. I became a hockey goalie. I tried bungee jumping and sky diving. I kayaked down many dangerous rivers. I once tubed in the buff down a river in Minnesota.

All of these risk taking activities sound pretty mild - but there were other death-defying habits I developed that weren't so harmless. I was a habitual liar. I constantly amped up my own stakes in my own game, at the expense of those who naively believed me. I messed around with binge drinking for a while, at the expense of my body. I think self-harm and suicide fit in the same category of death-defying stunts that gratified that gaping hole in me that could only be filled when I was on the brink of something dangerous, breathtaking or bad. Satan knew just how to seduce me, and I often closed my eyes to his rather transparent attempts to draw me away from safety and truth.

I gave up most of those habits when I was given a family. They still lurk in corners and occasionally I toy with them a bit too much. But, for the most part, I've abandoned risk taking in favor of a more sedate...and healthy...life with my husband and kids.

This insatiable thirst for adventure has cost me many things. One of the most bothersome to me is the dream of heaven. It is difficult for me to imagine how life could be exciting and perfect without any risks to take. How in the world will I enjoy myself if I can never die? Is that why Eve ate of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil - sheer boredom? Curiosity about how life tasted when the stakes were raised?

One of my cancer-inspired dreams is a good one: I slice through clouds with a snowboard, falling from a thunderhead a thousand feet to the sea of white below. I wonder if you still get that going-off-the-top-of-a-rollercoaster tickle in your tummy if you know nothing can kill you? I have to table my confusion until I get there and can ask Jesus. I simply can't imagine living forever and not losing the thrill of it. But then again perhaps I see life too often in the negative space, the black, not the white. Perhaps I don't really understand what it is to be alive at all.

Don't let the excitement of youth cause you to forget your Creator. Remember him before you become fearful of falling and worry about danger in the streets... (Ecclesiastes 12:1a & 5a)

The moths, hovering

The clouds beckon the coming storm, and I rock in my chair and survey the grandeur. Yellow, orange, pink, purple...and every shade in between. I bask in the eye of the storm, waiting for sunset to fade it's glow   melting the the evening sky to bring out it's lights of night. Waiting for the first mist of cold rain to come across the fields.

I've been in a storm since the beginning of April. My diagnosis is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and I am taking a slew of medication in an attempt to slow the anxiety and help me keep control of my impulses. I have gone 4 weeks now without hurting myself intentionally. One therapist pointed out that physical pain is helpful because it shunts electricity from one part of the brain (the conscious part that is running scared) to less intellectual parts of the brain. We came up with a list of things that "hurt" that I can do without truly hurting myself. Just in case anyone reading struggles with self-harm or suicide attempts, let me give you my list:

• Walk on the gravel driveway barefoot
• Clean your finger and toe nail beds
• Put a piece of tape on your arm and rip it off later
• Work out
• Squeeze hands tight
• Bite your lip
• Chew your fingernails
• Do some heavy lifting, boxes in your basement, etc.

My favorite is walking on gravel. When I walk down our driveway, I am not thinking about anxiety or depression or the bad things that happened in my life, I am thinking only about the stones digging into my tender feet.

The sky darkens, but the beauty remains. Whether you are in a season of life that is full of sunshine or roses, or you are walking through the darkest depths of the valley, there is beauty and joy to be claimed - actively claimed - if you lean on Christ and trust Him for what you need. He steps in and gives you a sunset, or a warm day, or simply the whispering breath of your child sleeping in your arms. Seek those moments, treasure them, hold them like precious jewels tight to your chest. In some ways they are the reward here on earth for the suffering. If you weren't walking through the night, you would never notice the beauty of the stars.

Don't let anything steal away from the feast 

God has prepared in the presence of your enemies. 

For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality. So when this corruptible shall have put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory. (I Corinthians 15:53-54)