You must go through it

The wild cherries shiver with anticipation of summer in the cold spring wind, their blossoms a white shock above their dark trunks. Bluebirds fly back and forth between the wild long grass in the field and the sanctuary of the blossoming trees. Their song drifts up to my porch swing, and I smile, closing my eyes and tilting face to receive the warmth of the sun.

There is no perfect day, just like there's no perfect life. Clouds roll in and the cherries falter in the darkness of the coming storm. The mist touches the hills on the other side of the valley, and I am suddenly too cold on the porch, a shiver running down my spine. Anticipation or dread? When storms roll in, I feel their coming like clammy hands touching my soul. I shrink back, for who likes to weather storms? Internal or external. I think of the quote I wanted to like on Pinterest, "I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning to sail my own ship." (Aeschylus)

This sailing metaphor stuck with me. For what sailor likes to be caught in the warm and sunny doldrums of a windless, perfect glassy sea? A little storm brings fast winds into the sails and a little excitement to the decks.

The thing about adventure is that it gets old after a while. Days on end of that anticipation/dread sensation leave one longing for a day of doldrums. When the storms are thoughts, though, there is no more escaping them than you could a hurricane at sea. They come out of nowhere and there is no outrunning them. You simply must learn to weather them. This, too, shall pass.

The clouds lift, and the white trunks of the birches glisten in the sun, dripping wet with heavy leaves as their crown. The heavy leaves turn their dark green backs toward the wind and quake, flashing their chartruese tops every now and then in a wave of brilliance. That one white trunk marks my son's grave. I remember that storm, weathered now and just a memory. With the memory comes hope. Every storm I've weathered is a trophy in my case, reminding me that, with Him, all things are possible.

Our whole group, writing on "the View"

May 2nd, you say?

The irises hold their leaves up rigid against the snow fall, bright spots of Kelly green against the white. Local wineries report that the tender shoots newly blushing with life are now standing dead due to the record-breaking blizzard sweeping the Midwest today. Over a foot will be seen in most Minnesota and Wisconsin areas.

The most snow this area has seen on this date was 3 inches back in 1935. What started as light snow and sleet overnight quickly turned to a white-out with visibility around 50 yards by 10 a.m.

The trees and plants are buried and bending heavy over the drifts here in the country. The children refuse to leave the house for more than a quick jaunt out on the porch, saying they don't want to unpack their winter clothes for one last sledding session.

I venture out with camera instead of snow shovel, marveling at the heavy wet snow that has again blanketed our section of the country. If I were an end-times speculator, I would be announcing that time is near!

And there shall be signs in the sun, and in the moon, and in the stars; and upon the earth distress of nations, with perplexity; the sea and the waves roaring; Men’s hearts failing them for fear, and for looking after those things which are coming on the earth: for the powers of heaven shall be shaken. (Luke 21:25-26, the words of Jesus)

Power lines are down, children are home from school, and weathermen are reveling in the late spring storm. But farmers put hands on hips and sigh as they look out on fields that should be being tilled, and early beans and other early summer crops are now being frozen around the state. A head of lettuce will probably double in price by next week for we snow-blighted northerners and even the most fervent of snow lovers is ready to cry, "Uncle!" at the ominous - and freezing - skies. A snow-tubing park in Hudson, WI, opened back up for a very unusual treat this morning.

What is the weather like for you today? If you are looking up at a sunny sky, stop and give thanks - not everyone can say so today!

While the earth remains, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night, shall not cease. (Genesis 8:22)

Winter white

It's April and the snow just keeps coming. I can't escape the analogies out my window every day. Snow covering mud, the old deer carcass on the front lawn, the mighty roaring rivers through the culverts from all the melting. Snow settles over all and the earth quiets and stills beneath her blanket. All ugliness is forgotten and lies buried invisible again.

Wash yourselves; make yourselves clean; remove the evil of your deeds from before my eyes; cease to do evil, learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause. “Come now, let us reason together," says the Lord: "though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool. If you are willing and obedient, you shall eat the good of the land; but if you refuse and rebel, you shall be eaten by the sword; for the mouth of the Lord has spoken.” (Isaiah 1:16-20)

The red road to Galilee is covered with white. The bloodiness of weeks past is covered over by God's infinite grace.

Choices monumental mark this road of forgiveness. Will I accept it, as freely as it was offered? Can I find the strength to seek joy and to do good, to turn from my own oppression and free others in the turning? 

Easter in the snowdrifts. Bright colors dancing across the white driveway up to family celebration. I can hear each tiny snow crystal hit the ground, dance up off it and fall again to become part of the earth's down comforter on April 11th. Slowly each little crystal melts from the warmth of the earth below, and all become one, and then will be the melting, and the joining with the roaring rivers through the culverts and rushing out onto the fields to make ready for planting. I long to join. To become one with the One great love our world has known. To rush out to make ready for the planting and the harvest. I turn quiet and stoic, exhausted but ready. For such a time as this I have endured.

The moths, hovering

The clouds beckon the coming storm, and I rock in my chair and survey the grandeur. Yellow, orange, pink, purple...and every shade in between. I bask in the eye of the storm, waiting for sunset to fade it's glow   melting the the evening sky to bring out it's lights of night. Waiting for the first mist of cold rain to come across the fields.

I've been in a storm since the beginning of April. My diagnosis is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and I am taking a slew of medication in an attempt to slow the anxiety and help me keep control of my impulses. I have gone 4 weeks now without hurting myself intentionally. One therapist pointed out that physical pain is helpful because it shunts electricity from one part of the brain (the conscious part that is running scared) to less intellectual parts of the brain. We came up with a list of things that "hurt" that I can do without truly hurting myself. Just in case anyone reading struggles with self-harm or suicide attempts, let me give you my list:

• Walk on the gravel driveway barefoot
• Clean your finger and toe nail beds
• Put a piece of tape on your arm and rip it off later
• Work out
• Squeeze hands tight
• Bite your lip
• Chew your fingernails
• Do some heavy lifting, boxes in your basement, etc.

My favorite is walking on gravel. When I walk down our driveway, I am not thinking about anxiety or depression or the bad things that happened in my life, I am thinking only about the stones digging into my tender feet.

The sky darkens, but the beauty remains. Whether you are in a season of life that is full of sunshine or roses, or you are walking through the darkest depths of the valley, there is beauty and joy to be claimed - actively claimed - if you lean on Christ and trust Him for what you need. He steps in and gives you a sunset, or a warm day, or simply the whispering breath of your child sleeping in your arms. Seek those moments, treasure them, hold them like precious jewels tight to your chest. In some ways they are the reward here on earth for the suffering. If you weren't walking through the night, you would never notice the beauty of the stars.

Don't let anything steal away from the feast 

God has prepared in the presence of your enemies. 

For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality. So when this corruptible shall have put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory. (I Corinthians 15:53-54)

This cold winter

I know you see me
Like some wide eyed dreamer
That just rolled in off a dusty mid west bus
Yeah, on the outside I look fragile
But on the inside is something you can’t crush

Cause I'm country strong
Hard to break
Like the ground I grew up on
You may fool me
And I'll fall
But I won't stay down long
Cause I'm country strong

I have weathered
Colder winters; Longer summers
Without a drop of rain
Push me in a corner
And I'll come out fighting
I may lose but I'll always keep my faith

Rosy as "Mary" in our little homegrown Christmas pageant.

The Holmen grandkids.