"Be careful what you wish for"

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near, calm my fear
And take my doubt

Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can’t climb

I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
~ I Will Lift My Eyes, Bebo Norman

I received news today that my prayer has been answered. In a difficult way. Samples of my tumor were sent three weeks ago to Pennsylvania, and a report and interpretation of the findings from both the pathologist and the specialist at the University of Chicago were sent to my doctors. The pathologist asked for the entire tumor to be shipped to her for further testing. She has since sent a final report to my team of doctors in Eau Claire and Chicago. However, the endocrine specialist was out of the office today for the holiday, and my regular general practice doctor didn't feel capable of giving me the results himself. It is difficult to know what to make of the entire situation, other than to lean on the fact that I asked God to stay the news, and He has.

In the midst of my heart breaking and my insides turning wrong side out, my brain is trying to make sense of this. I am trying to strike a balance between responding to the news I've been given without overreacting and assuming the worst, which is my natural bent.

Mostly, I feel completely inadequate to express any of the rawness I feel right now. I am in one of those "beyond words" moments, of which I have had so many...positive and negative...in the last six months. I feel bruised and I will try my darnedest to love and savor this Christmas with my family.

Whatever God has for me in this life, I know that through the miraculous birth of my Savior over 2,000 years ago, my tears will be wiped away. I may be in the tragic, perilous, fragmented and uncertain middle ground of my fairy tale, but I will live "happily ever after" someday.

Man is a mere phantom as he goes to and fro: He bustles about, but only in vain; he heaps up wealth, not knowing who will get it. But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you. Save me from all my transgressions; do not make me the scorn of fools. Hear my prayer, O Lord, listen to my cry for help; be not deaf to my weeping. For I dwell with you as an alien, a stranger, as all my fathers were. from Psalm 39