What time I am afraid

Today I quit breathing several times while unconscious in the ER. "It is appointed unto man once to die..."

My children heard quite by accident that I wasn't breathing, and ripples of fear awakened in their young souls so long stilled as my cancer had gone silent. And so, there in the waiting room with grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, they joined a grown-up huddle of tense prayer and staunched tears.

the children laying on hands when I lost my hair back in October 2011
Oh, to take back words, hours, fears. We begged to go home, and, by some small miracle of medical kindness, the doctor granted our wish. We huddled in bed, a human chain of gratitude and grief, and fell asleep, the children sprawled across our bedroom floor on piles of quilts, rotating through the slot between Aaron and I for extra cuddles. The tears poured off and on during the night as they woke from nightmares of Mama blue and still and gone.



I don't know what is wrong with my heart right now. Stress? A new cardiac med recently increased in dosage? Insomnia that's been dogging me? Whatever it is, it has once again brought me to the precipice between life and death. Once again, God chose life for me. And all I can do is stand in awe and thankfulness. That I am here to quell the fears of these little people.