Sometimes it seems that I will be eternally stuck in Ecclesiastes.
The deepest and wisest thinker on earth seemed to be able to at last free himself from the tears over all the sorrows and fears of all the tomorrows and eat, drink and be merry. I am still in the working it out phase. But I understand when he declares all life meaningless. I so get that. I get it so much I run from it. I'd rather be a sobbing mess than a devil-may-care meaningless.
I have two mysterious dry patches on my cheeks where tears have too often pooled over the past week. I've dropped a quick 10 pounds. Yesterday in class I was on a panel of professors and had to tell about the most painful or scary medical error I'd committed. {That was fun.} Today I sat with my friend as we read through her pathology report. She asked me why some people just never seem to catch a break. I shook my head, and more tears. What answer have I? All I have an answer for is the hope I have, not an answer for catching breaks.
I sit down on the cold walnut piano bench every night, no matter how late. I sing the songs, no matter how high, no matter how my voice breaks. It seems natural that it should break. Because I'm weeping words really, just set to music. My fingers are stringing together a prayer, a lament, a whisper, a groan, a feeling, a question in the crescendo and decrescendo of notes forming diminished chords and minor thirds. Father, I come, quiet my soul...Everything I once held dear, I count it all as lost...Lead me to your heart through my darkest hour...
And next comes November.
My soul is weak
My heart is numb
I cannot see
But still my hope is found in You
I’ll hold on tightly
You will never let me go
For Jesus, You will never fail
Jesus, You will never fail
Simply to the cross I cling
Letting go of all earthly things
Clinging to the cross
Mercy’s found a way for me
Hope is here as I am free
Jesus, You are all I ever need
and I am clinging to the cross
Even darkness is as light to You, my Lord
So light the way and lead me home
To that place where every tear is wiped away
For Jesus, You will never fail
Jesus, You will never fail
What a Savior, what a mystery,
You were crucified, but now You are alive...
1 comment:
Weeping words until our voice breaks - yes. We need the lamenters. We need those who will weep and be sorrowful over this crazy world and the pain. We are commanded to weep with those who weep. It is a hard path to walk, to feel so deeply the pain of this world, but there is value in every single one of those tears, and in the beauty of the songs of lament that you sing- even as your voice breaks. We live in a broken world.
Sending you much love xx
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