Trust at the hitching post

Back and forth goes the brush, smoothing months of winter tangles on the back of a young horse. My friend is patient, gentle. The horse stands still at the post, soaking up the love.

There is no "trust" that compares to the relationship between a girl and her horse. He is tamed by her affection. She is tamed by his willing heart.

I have been the brute beast tangled in winter's coat, protecting myself from the cold. Softly, tenderly, you draw me out into the vulnerable places, the painful places. Brushing through all these tangles is hard work. But you are teaching me to stand still at the post, to feel your love in the brushing, to wait for that moment we can walk together as one.

When my soul was embittered,when I was pricked in heart, I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast toward you. Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. For behold, those who are far from you shall perish; you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you. But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge, that I may tell of all your works. (Psalm 73:21-28 ESV)

Yes, my heart and flesh may fail, but, my God, you never will. I am just old enough now to know that I have nothing mastered, despite previous suppositions. Just old enough to see that faith is an iceberg, and I am precariously perched on the narrow top although there is a deep foundation I will not see this side of heaven. When the doubts come, when I am stuck in the "not good enough" and "better off without me" trains of thought, I must remember the vastness of what you've built in me, even if it is submerged under your ocean of Grace and invisible to me. It is there, that foundation. Oh, soul, cling! Cling to the promises, for a new day is coming!

I need you to soften my heart

to break me apart

I need you to open my eyes

to see that you're shaping my life

All I am

I surrender

Give me faith to trust what you say

that you're good and your love is great

I'm broken inside, I give you my life

I need you to pierce through the dark

and cleanse every part of me

I may be weak

but Your spirit's strong in me

My flesh may fail

My God you never will

~Give Me Faith, Elevation Worship~

Wrestling the void

Sometimes it seems that I will be eternally stuck in Ecclesiastes.

The deepest and wisest thinker on earth seemed to be able to at last free himself from the tears over all the sorrows and fears of all the tomorrows and eat, drink and be merry. I am still in the working it out phase. But I understand when he declares all life meaningless. I so get that. I get it so much I run from it. I'd rather be a sobbing mess than a devil-may-care meaningless.

I have two mysterious dry patches on my cheeks where tears have too often pooled over the past week. I've dropped a quick 10 pounds. Yesterday in class I was on a panel of professors and had to tell about the most painful or scary medical error I'd committed. {That was fun.} Today I sat with my friend as we read through her pathology report. She asked me why some people just never seem to catch a break. I shook my head, and more tears. What answer have I? All I have an answer for is the hope I have, not an answer for catching breaks. 

I sit down on the cold walnut piano bench every night, no matter how late. I sing the songs, no matter how high, no matter how my voice breaks. It seems natural that it should break. Because I'm weeping words really, just set to music. My fingers are stringing together a prayer, a lament, a whisper, a groan, a feeling, a question in the crescendo and decrescendo of notes forming diminished chords and minor thirds. Father, I come, quiet my soul...Everything I once held dear, I count it all as lost...Lead me to your heart through my darkest hour...

And next comes November.

My soul is weak

My heart is numb

I cannot see

But still my hope is found in You

I’ll hold on tightly

You will never let me go

For Jesus, You will never fail

Jesus, You will never fail

Simply to the cross I cling

Letting go of all earthly things

Clinging to the cross

Mercy’s found a way for me

Hope is here as I am free

Jesus, You are all I ever need

and I am clinging to the cross

Even darkness is as light to You, my Lord

So light the way and lead me home

To that place where every tear is wiped away

For Jesus, You will never fail

Jesus, You will never fail

What a Savior, what a mystery,

You were crucified, but now You are alive...

Exam tomorrow

Tonight feels like the calm before the storm...the dimple of color in the evening sky pulling down, down, down toward tomorrow, as the sun makes it's way around the other side of the earth and finally back to my pillow.

Am I ready?  The flower-weeds wave goodbye to summer outside my window, and I think I am ready as I'll ever be.  Odd to think your whole education culminates in one humid day in August.

I started, a stifling day in 2007's summer, when she was a toddler just learning to skip, and he was not even the size of kidney bean, secreted deep inside me.

Time flies away from us, and we are all ready for the closing notes of this particular symphony.

One last look back, one more run through the presentation, one last sleep and one last morning of prayer and study and worship...and I will be going down one of those "slides" of adulthood that reminds of the sink and lift of your stomach as you went over the edge as a child.

I echo Paul's thoughts & request tonight, from I Thessalonians 5:

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.  Do not put out the Spirit's fire...Test everything. Hold on to the good. Avoid every kind of evil.  May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.  Brothers {sisters}, pray for me.

::

Thanks, Mama & Aaron, for the photos for tonight's post.  Some are mine, and some each of yours...readers, I challenge you to say whose is whose! Also, please lift me up in prayer anytime after 9 a.m. CST tomorrow, if it comes to mind.  I am praying that I PASS!  If you don't know anything about this exam I am referring to, read more about it here.  My oral exam is tomorrow, but I still don't for sure that I passed the written portion yet, either.  I will find out at 9.

Desperation & drudgery

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turn my collar to the cold and damp

~Sound of Silence, Paul Simon, 1965

Tired of telling you, you have me
When I know you really don't
Tired of telling you I'll follow
When I know I really won't
Cause I'd rather stand here speechless
With no great words to say
If my silence is more truthful
And my ears can hear how to walk in your way

In the silence
You are speaking
In the quiet I can feel the fire
And it's burning, burning deeply
Burning all that it is that you desire to be silent, in me
~ In the Silence, Jason Upton

Here it is again, this old familiar place, where the rubber meets the road. We survived the separation, we survived cancer again for a 3rd time. Now we wait for results. And survive the consequences of cancer. They are never easy: taking yourself to the brink of hypothyroid death, taking your children to the edge of sanity, taking your husband into a new realm of miserable coping. Mouth sores are healing, and now my hair is falling out in chunks and my skin is dry and numb. My fingers and toes are completely dead, like chunks of wood I haul around with no purpose. My eyesight is blurry, my body aches, especially the joints in my arms, legs, hands and feet. I feel as though I'm on the brink of another double kidney infection - but it's just my body in its inability to handle the slough and crud that builds up over time in every cell and joint and space. Pain reaches a peak around 11 a.m. and then improves with a nap (meaning the laundry and cleaning still isn't getting done), peaks again just after dinner, and improves when I take my daily Synthroid dose at 8 p.m. Add to that the symptoms of hyperthyroidism because of the high dose of Synthroid! My body is getting deliberate double messages. Never a good thing. My heart rate is 140 between 10 p.m. and 9 a.m. Weird! Especially for me - I usually run very low on the heartrate spectrum, around 55 during the day and around 40 at night.

The kids are so, so sick with this latest cold. I am stressed as I watch Amy deteriorate because of asthma and lung gunk. She is requiring nebulizer albuterol for her asthma every 3-4 hours today. She still has good energy. I find I am so much more paranoid since her encephalitis in October/November. I don't want to miss something and end up in the hospital with her over Christmas. Of course, how could I know. I just have to trust, and be watchful, and try to hand it over to God.

I feel as though I've descended further into darkness since coming home, rather than emerging as I expected. God feels very, very far away today, as I struggle through the inconsequential and exhausting work of motherhood. Just being alive in my own skin feels like work. I feel depressed, knowing this is my lot for so many more years, even if it is only once a year in the future. How can I survive this? How am I going to ever bring glory to God through this? I feel miserable, I feel like everyone around me is miserable as well.

And then, just for perspective, at least I am not going through this today:

http://cecemeetsworld.wordpress.com/losing-eli/