Chronic

"Just think of it as a chronic disease - like lupus - which flares up, ebbs and flows." The young psychiatrist looks at me warmly, with that practiced "warmness" we all rehearsed to cover up shock, disgust, terror that became part of our everyday lives. I survey the new doctor, wondering if he felt disgust when he looked at me just now. Slowly, my thoughts snake their way back his comment, the one that compares my depression with lupus.  Who willingly submits to the idea that there is something debilitating and wrong with them for which there is no cure?

On the other hand, I smiled at a baby today. Really smiled.

Now to submit to the pills and their ills and pray that they are my lifelink to the glowing end of the tunnel.

Take a long hard look at my face

Take away the things I can't replace

Take my heart, go on take it away

I've got nothing to say

Take away this sense of regret

Take the things I need to forget

Take the mistakes I haven't made yet

They're all I have left

I don't want to be the one who lets you down

All I did was run myself around

I wish I could have seen through your eyes

Maybe then I would have realized

I'm the only one who's bleeding

For the things I never needed

~"Things I Never Needed", Grace Potter~

The inevitable let-down

Apparently, there still exists a very disturbing paragraph in the legislative code of the great State of Wisconsin, chapter N1 in the Board of Nursing code for accreditation of "professional programs of study":

(c) A nurse faculty member who teaches nursing courses in a professional nursing program shall hold a current license to practice as a registered nurse in Wisconsin, have at least 2 years of full−time or equivalent direct care experience as a practicing nurse, be employed in nursing within the last 5 years and hold a master’s degree with a major in nursing.

Somehow, I am apparently supposed to:

1. Study for a doctorate degree
2. Keep working as a nurse
3. AND obtain a master's degree

...regardless of the fact that I've already shown that I've mastered doctoral content and everything that precedes it, including many credits of master's level study.  Apparently, BSN-to-PhD track degrees are not yet en vogue in the State of Wisconsin, and I may never be hired here because of it.  That would really put a damper on things!

The "dream job" offer was withdrawn this morning because of the master's degree problem, which they knew about prior to interviewing me (??).  They could seek an exception with the Board of Nursing but apparently aren't interested.  Weird.  And very frustrating.  I guess I will continue on those other lines...RN-to-BSN programs online that have no problem with my over-achieving path to a PhD.