Chronic

"Just think of it as a chronic disease - like lupus - which flares up, ebbs and flows." The young psychiatrist looks at me warmly, with that practiced "warmness" we all rehearsed to cover up shock, disgust, terror that became part of our everyday lives. I survey the new doctor, wondering if he felt disgust when he looked at me just now. Slowly, my thoughts snake their way back his comment, the one that compares my depression with lupus.  Who willingly submits to the idea that there is something debilitating and wrong with them for which there is no cure?

On the other hand, I smiled at a baby today. Really smiled.

Now to submit to the pills and their ills and pray that they are my lifelink to the glowing end of the tunnel.


Take a long hard look at my face
Take away the things I can't replace
Take my heart, go on take it away
I've got nothing to say

Take away this sense of regret
Take the things I need to forget
Take the mistakes I haven't made yet
They're all I have left

I don't want to be the one who lets you down
All I did was run myself around
I wish I could have seen through your eyes
Maybe then I would have realized
I'm the only one who's bleeding
For the things I never needed
~"Things I Never Needed", Grace Potter~