Showing posts with label stretching. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stretching. Show all posts

On not ignoring my cross

Where's that place where time stood still
Is it under glass inside a frame?
Was it over when you had your fill?

Where's that place where time stands still
I remember like a lover can
But I forget it like a leaver will
It's the first time that you held my hand
It's the smell and the taste and the fear and the thrill
It's everything I understand
And all the things I never will
~Mary Chapin Carpenter, listen here

The only news on my tests today was from my midwife, who says things "look good". I am assuming that means nothing that looks too suspicious for cancer. Feeling very conflicted tonight. Back in 2008, I was told twice it "might" be cancer and twice that it definitely wasn't. And then I had surgery and it definitely was, and a worse kind than predicted. So I don't know how to react to good news, I guess! Praying it is true...not cancer...just weird symptoms and lumps. The nurse today told me I definitely still need to meet with the surgeon on Friday, so I will do that and we will go from there. I guess I am asking that you who read pray for our wisdom as we make decisions, which sound like they may once again be very difficult decisions with conflicting medical information to provide both pros and cons to every possible choice. I am so tired. It is probably emotional exhaustion. I wish I could go to sleep for days and wake up when this is over. I keep gritting my teeth and tugging myself back into the moment, as I read in yet another little gem of a book on suffering, "don't waste your trials". To drop this season like a hot coal, pull my covers over my head in retreat, is to drop the crown that is being wrought which I will someday cast at my Savior's feet. For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing,
but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. (I Corinthians 1:17)

A line from one of our current worship songs keeps running through my head: there is one thing to be alive for, to take up my cross and follow you, Lord. (from Devotion by Hillsong United)

He sat by fire of seven-fold heat,
As He watched by the precious ore,
And closer He bent with a searching gaze
As He heated it more and more.
He knew He had ore that could stand the test,
And He wanted the finest gold
To mould as a crown for the King to wear,
Set with gems with a price untold.
Can we think that it pleases His loving heart
to cause us a moment's pain?
Ah, no! but He saw through the present cross
the bliss of eternal gain.
So He waited there with a watchful eye,
With a love that is strong and sure.
And His gold did not suffer a bit more heat
than was needed to make it pure.
(Author unknown, read in entirety here)

Witness

To be a witness does not involve engaging propaganda, nor even in stirring people up, but in being a living mystery. It means to live in such a way that one's life would not make sense if God did not exist. ~ Cardinal Emmanuel Suhard
I walked four miles every day in high school. Every day, I walked past this "dinosaur". From the road, it looked exactly like a brontosaurus. For some reason, this abandoned machine became part of the visual history of my childhood. I was thrilled when I drove by my old house on my 31st birthday and saw that it was still in the field, still surrounded by the melting shapes of old round bales.

Something not particularly beautiful nor particularly ugly, yet somehow symbolic of a forgotten joy. It didn't speak to me, except to stand a timeless witness of a bygone era. The rusting steel and grayed plating, the stays frayed and tired holding their burden for decades. The combines of my own time were bigger, grander, greener. This piece of ancient machinery was somewhat of a mystery: why leave it like that, in the middle of a field? It wasn't part of the usual farm graveyard. It stood alone, always surrounded by those mouldering round bales. Silent. A witness.

My life of late is the dinosaur in the middle of the field. Aaron and I have no more explanation for the way our life has gone than those questioning us have answers. There are days when I seriously wish there were some kind of refund policy on what I've been issued! I don't like my life that much lately, much less love it. Whereas Christ shouldered His cross out of love, I shoulder mine begrudgingly, simply because it is the cross that is set before me. One foot in front of the other. I barely have time to grieve the losses that are entailed. I am just stepping forward. And, most of the time, I seem to be dragging this cross of illness along with me.

It is hard to know whether you're being an effective witness. I get the feeling that our life experience sometimes has the opposite effect...I know it does for me! Where is God, when life collapses like this? Is He listening? Does He have a plan? What I long for is that my life would be lived in such a way that it is impossible to deny God's hand in it. I feel like I am still figuring this out: does the testimony of my life make it impossible to deny God's existence? Or does it make God's mercy and love seem improbable? I pray that, by the story's end, I can firmly say my life reflected His mercy and love. When I am tempted to have a pity party, and tell God I hate my life right now, it is this desire that stops my tongue. Make me a star, God. Please, make me a star.

Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life... (Philippians 2:14-16)

Love Day 2010

Our coalition of small groups (the YAMs, or Young And MarriedS) hosts a fundraiser event annually.  This is the 5th year running.  Please join us, if you can!