On not ignoring my cross

Where's that place where time stood still

Is it under glass inside a frame?

Was it over when you had your fill?

Where's that place where time stands still

I remember like a lover can

But I forget it like a leaver will

It's the first time that you held my hand

It's the smell and the taste and the fear and the thrill

It's everything I understand

And all the things I never will

~Mary Chapin Carpenter, listen here

The only news on my tests today was from my midwife, who says things "look good". I am assuming that means nothing that looks too suspicious for cancer. Feeling very conflicted tonight. Back in 2008, I was told twice it "might" be cancer and twice that it definitely wasn't. And then I had surgery and it definitely was, and a worse kind than predicted. So I don't know how to react to good news, I guess! Praying it is true...not cancer...just weird symptoms and lumps. The nurse today told me I definitely still need to meet with the surgeon on Friday, so I will do that and we will go from there. I guess I am asking that you who read pray for our wisdom as we make decisions, which sound like they may once again be very difficult decisions with conflicting medical information to provide both pros and cons to every possible choice. I am so tired. It is probably emotional exhaustion. I wish I could go to sleep for days and wake up when this is over. I keep gritting my teeth and tugging myself back into the moment, as I read in yet another little gem of a book on suffering, "don't waste your trials". To drop this season like a hot coal, pull my covers over my head in retreat, is to drop the crown that is being wrought which I will someday cast at my Savior's feet. For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing,
but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. (I Corinthians 1:17)

A line from one of our current worship songs keeps running through my head: there is one thing to be alive for, to take up my cross and follow you, Lord. (from Devotion by Hillsong United)

He sat by fire of seven-fold heat,

As He watched by the precious ore,

And closer He bent with a searching gaze

As He heated it more and more.

He knew He had ore that could stand the test,

And He wanted the finest gold

To mould as a crown for the King to wear,

Set with gems with a price untold.

Can we think that it pleases His loving heart

to cause us a moment's pain?

Ah, no! but He saw through the present cross

the bliss of eternal gain.

So He waited there with a watchful eye,

With a love that is strong and sure.

And His gold did not suffer a bit more heat

than was needed to make it pure.

(Author unknown, read in entirety here)