This cold winter

I know you see me
Like some wide eyed dreamer
That just rolled in off a dusty mid west bus
Yeah, on the outside I look fragile
But on the inside is something you can’t crush

Cause I'm country strong
Hard to break
Like the ground I grew up on
You may fool me
And I'll fall
But I won't stay down long
Cause I'm country strong

I have weathered
Colder winters; Longer summers
Without a drop of rain
Push me in a corner
And I'll come out fighting
I may lose but I'll always keep my faith

Rosy as "Mary" in our little homegrown Christmas pageant.

The Holmen grandkids.

After the storm

In the dark of the midnight,
Have I oft hid my face;
While the storm howls above me,
And there's no hiding place;
'Mid the crash of the thunder,
Precious Lord, hear my cry;
"Keep me safe 'til the storm passes by."

Till the storm passes over, till the thunder sounds no more,
Till the clouds roll forever from the sky;
Hold me fast, let me stand in the hollow of Thy hand,
Keep me safe till the storm passes by.

Many times Satan whispers,
"There is no need to try;
For there's no end of sorrow,
There's no hope by and by";
But I know Thou art with me,
And tomorrow I'll rise;
Where the storms never darken the skies.

When the long night has ended,
And the storms come no more,
Let me stand in Thy presence.
On that bright, peaceful shore.
In that land where the tempest
Never comes, Lord may I
Dwell with Thee when the storm passes by.

~ "Til the Storm Passes By", Mosie Lister, 1958 ~

This was my favorite campfire song at church camp when I was a kid.  There is a great four-part harmony that is easy to pick up and I will never forget my dad strumming out the chords on his 12 string guitar the one year that he brought it along (always accompanied by his proviso and equivocating arguments prior to performance).  One look to the evening sky tonight reminded me that after the storm comes the beautiful sunset.  It is easy to get wrapped up in the immediacy and fear that comes with the storm clouds, under which we've been perched for so long.  I've been re-reading an interesting book on suffering - Polishing God's Monuments: Pillars of Hope for Punishing Times - which reminds me to look everywhere for signs of God's faithfulness, especially to the patterns of my own life and the world that surrounds me.  Though we struggle, he will never leave us nor forsake us, and upholds us and strengthens us until the clouds dissipate.  In fact, some of the best days of my life have also been the worst ones.

Hold me fast, let me stand in the hollow of Thy hand, keep me safe 'til this storm passes by.  My prayer.  Sustain me through this one, Lord, show me the beautiful sunset between, and prepare me for the next.

Spring portraits

The children's annual portraits by my mother's rhododendron have become our tradition. I always try to take some "straight up" portraits, and some personality shots as well. The ones with personality invariably are the ones that end up on top of my piano! The rhododendron waits for no man, so cancer or not, away we went to Grandma's today for portraits.

First, the better photos technically speaking...

(Susan didn't see any reason all her cousins should get glamorous photos taken, and she shouldn't. Which, of course, is accurate...she is a glamorous little girl, that one!)

Finally, the personality shots...expect to see these under glass in my house next time you visit!

As I went through and edited these, I was, of course, thinking deep thoughts. About how we present ourselves to the world, and how we really are in inside. I think heaven is going to be a really interesting, quirky place with a lot of personality. I kind of picture it like a group of people after a glass or two of wine...just letting that God-given personality and passion shine through. Doesn't that sound inviting?? ...then shall I know even as also I am known. (I Corinthians 13:12)

Love Day 2010

Our coalition of small groups (the YAMs, or Young And MarriedS) hosts a fundraiser event annually.  This is the 5th year running.  Please join us, if you can!

5th Annual Valentine's Dinner & a Movie

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I can see clearly now (the rain is gone)

...I can see all obstacles in my way.
I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin' for
It’s gonna be a bright, bright
Sun-Shiny day.
~ Jimmy Cliff

The sun dawned mildly today, as the iciness of January's deep freeze gave way to the balm of warm winds and snow melting soft underfoot. A picture in seasonal clarity of the week I've had. As the news sunk in, and I allowed optimism to absorb deep into my soul, something inside rises dark and desolate and full of fear. The edge is taken off of cancer, death runs quickly into the shadows as my new doctor speaks healing and remission and freedom. With that new-found hope, the fears step out of the shadows, finally, to be processed and identified. To be named and no longer ignored. Those fears have been the white elephant in my room for months. Now they are safe to acknowledge.

So what is a 29-year-old Christian woman with cancer afraid of? Just like the rest of humanity, I am afraid of death. I am afraid I will be afraid. I am afraid of being in an unfamiliar place. I am afraid of falling through a black hole of the universe without a guide to tell me what to expect. I am afraid of the seconds that intervene between my last breath here and my first breath there. I am afraid that it can't be heaven without my husband and children, and parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends. How can I love a place where there is hardly a face I recognize? How can I navigate a crossing that I know nothing about?

Really, it all boils down to faith. Here is that great question of the ages rearing it's ugly head again: do I trust God, the maker and ruler of all, or not? He didn't give me all the answers - not even whether this good news will hold or dissipate like the snow on my front lawn, melted before the strength of a weak January thaw. He doesn't tell me how it will feel to die, much less how it will feel to live eternally in heaven.

The fears persist. They have been there, in the corners of my mind, since I was a small child. And today, like so many days gone before, I put them aside on my shelf of faith, issues for God to take care of. I put aside my inability to understand the intricate details. I close my eyes. I wrestle my shoulders out of their hunch, shake loose the bands of tension. I sigh, I breathe in deep, and face the warm January sun, and leave the details to Christ.

"I shall not be afraid of evil tidings; my heart is firmly fixed, trusting (leaning on and being confident) in the Lord. My heart is established and steady, I will not be afraid while I wait to see my desire established upon my adversary." (Psalm 112:7-8 Amplified - paraphrased)