Grace in the discards

Writing here has been difficult; cancer looms large but I am called to proclaim the Cross more and more through this remarkable journey. I blog hop and scatter pebbles and crumbs and the readers come more and more slowly. Will you do me this favor, encourage me with a comment when you read this? You will grace me with your presence and response.

Keeping an online journal has hidden blessings: I hit "search", and, thanks to Google, realize that I have written about my messy house every October and November since I began writing in 2008. Really, this whole journal is full of Joy's life: unmasked project - the inner workings of the mind and the heart when faced with the large difficulties of life.

Even while I'm asleep, the chairs set out for devotions with my husband mock me with their piles of clean clothes and discarded summer quilts. I know it would take 15 minutes to clean up, but I spend that 15 minutes sleeping with my nightmares every day instead. He and I are like ships passing in the dawn in the dark anyway, too tired for anything beyond a quick and quiet romp in the sheets.

Hats litter my dresser, along with the remnants of my last shift working as a nurse, the watch ticking off time and the furry blue hat a reminder of hairlessness now a memory of three weeks past.

Just as Christ chooses to love me with all His heart instead of focusing on my flaws, I look past the mess to the yellow daisies in the antique milk bottle standing on the head of my bed.

Winter has come back again 
Feels like the season won't end 
My faith is dying tonight 
And I won't try to pretend 
I've got it all figured out 
I don't have any doubts 

I've got a busted heart 
I need You now Yeah, I need You now 
Hold on to me, hold on to me 
Don't let me lose my way 
Hold on to me 

I am the wandering son 
Your love is never enough 
I keep chasing the wind 
Instead of chasing Your love 
I'm screaming out Your name 
Don't let me fall on my face 
I've got a busted heart 
I'm in need of a change 
I'm desperate for grace 

Broke Your heart a thousand times 
But You've never left my side 
You have always been here for me 
You never let me go 

Until it comes to an end 
Soon this season will end 
I'll surrender tonight 
You meet me right where I am
~Busted Heart (Hold on To Me), For King & Country~