Mid-night journal

Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. ~ Philippians 4:6

This verse is an oldie, but goody (my brother Daniel used to say that as a small boy, and it still tickles me deep within to say it). Tonight I am up as the first pink glaze of sun appears in the pines out my bedroom window, heralding the end of night and beginning of another morn...up all night trying hard to put actions to this verse. It has been a night of prayer, a night of reading, a night of closing my eyes in near delirium and still the prayers flow and the sleep does not come.

How many times had patients sat there waiting for her to announce her decision after a similar moment of respite? Invariably the decision was based on science and statistics, a conclusion crosschecked and attained by logic. What a cask of horrors, she now thought, lies concealed in this moment of respite! Dontsova had known what she was doing when she had concealed her pain from everyone. You only had to tell one person and irresistibly the avalanche was set in motion, nothing depended on you anymore. Her ties in life, which had seemed so strong and permanent, were loosening and breaking, all in the space of hours rather than days. In the clinic and at home she was unique and irreplaceable. Now she was being replaced. We are so attached to the earth, and yet we are incapable of holding onto it. She was so used to taking personal charge of everything that even today she couldn't leave a single person without making at least a month's mental forecast. She was getting acclimatized to her misfortune. She examined, prescribed, and issued instructions, gazing at each patient like a false prophet, while all the while there was a chill running down her spine. These were the thoughts that plagued her and weakened her normal resolute cast of mind. She looked at one patient...they had given so much of themselves to try to save this quiet Tartar, yet all they had won was a few months' delay. And what miserable months - a pitiful existence in an unlit, unventilated corner.

It made Dontsova realize that if she rejected her own yardstick and adopted Sibgatov's, she could still count herself lucky. ~ from Cancer Ward, by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, true stories based on his own 2 year battle with cancer in the mid-1950's

As the bleeding heart blooms in the spring afternoon sun, I contemplate losing a part of self. Not just figuratively, like last time, but literally this time. I agonize over the prayers I've prayed of willingness for cancer. I long for a different, easier way.

I walk around the house, and see the writing literally written on my walls...the signs that open the door for this kind of trial, let God in to tear things down and build them back in a totally different shape. I start at the front door, and the words flow in this order: with God all things are possible. As for my house, we shall serve the Lord. Love like there's no tomorrow. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Verses, sayings that reflect our intimate understanding in this marriage and house that this is only temporary. The suffering is temporary, the joy is temporary, the work is temporary.

What am I supposed to do with the fact that we are so far outside the realm of normal experience that most people are simply confused by our story? We have asked ourselves and each other times innumerable whether this is a wake up call. We still don't see it, if we are being woken to something...and that is so frightening! How much further might God push to show us what we seem to be blind to? And might it not be a powerful Evil that foists this suffering upon us? Might we have something in our future that is so definitely for God's glory that Satan might try to destroy it? And why, then, would God allow it? Could we really be a modern day Job story, a modern day David, hunted and oppressed and beaten and crushed? Could we share the sufferings - and deliverance and beatitude - of Paul, Timothy, Noah, Moses, Elijah, heck, all the prophets?

The next step comes Wednesday. I have surgery at 10:30 a.m. to remove the lumps. They will be biopsied for cancer, perhaps sent to a specialty lab if they come back one certain type...follicular, the type of thyroid cancer cell origin, and also possible in the breast. We may know immediately - and I may lose my breast on Wednesday, too. Or it may take weeks. But at least the lumps will be out, gone, frozen in liquid nitrogen and sliced and examined and done with. What follows is a big question mark that has me sleepless, petitioning, taking fear into my two hands and throttling it with Scripture. So many questions have no answer...but what to do? is not one of them. I simply pray. I plead. And I read.

In the drifts of the soul

And maybe the answer is that, whether we realize it or not, every moment is our testimony before a world who has Christ on trial. (Ann Voskamp of Holy Experience)

I don't have energy for every moment being a testimony. I am picking a dried-up soul up off the floor today, dragging it around to do dishes, sort winter and summer clothes, tidy up the house. Trying to find something edible for dinner. Why, why, why, Father? The world is bursting with the green that comes after the storm. And my heart is still cold, in the drifts, the pale yellow of last summer's dried husks like the memory of a different life that swells within.

Read Psalm 22 today and felt a bit better. I wonder if it is coincidence that Psalm 22 is followed by Psalm 23? According to the Jewish oral/textual tradition, both the order and text of the Ketuvim (3rd and final section of the Hebrew Bible, or Tanakh) are divinely inspired. In the text version of the Sifrei Emet (poetic books), the words are presented in a two column format that highlights the corresponding "stitches" between the two columns of words, making the books even more poetic. After pondering this, I went back and read Psalm 23 with Psalm 22. And I was comforted.

One last fling

Cancer is really cool in one, specific way: it slows time, crystallizing life in the still frames, making each moment sweeter and more precious. When life is good, life is really, really good. It's that old dog, Perspective, barking at my door. One last day to soak up my kids, one last day to make everything count. One last day to make memories. It always feels like it could be the last day of your life, as you pack your bags and their bags so that you can be apart for a week just before Christmas. It brings home the reality that you've been ignoring for the past three months: But of that day and that hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels which are in heaven, neither the Son, but the Father. (Mark 13:32)

Rosenmunnar: an old Swedish recipe that has only three ingredients: 1 cup butter, 1/2 cup sugar, creamed together; add 2 cups of flour, just mix. Form in little balls of buttery happiness.

Get the kids in on the fun:
have them put a thumbprint in each cookie, right in the center. Fill their thumbprints with your favorite preserves (ours is boysenberry for these cookies). Bake at 375 degrees for 10-15 minutes or until just golden brown around the edges.

Try to take a rest on the couch while the cookies are baking.
If you have kids around, they will most likely see this as:
A) a great opportunity to cuddle,
or
B) a great opportunity to wrestle.

Once the cookies are cooling on racks, head outside to eat some snow. Makes any cookie taste sweeter. If you can't get the sleds to slide on the ice-crystals formed by the below zero weather, why not just roll down the hill for a while?

Serve up some hot cocoa in fine china to go with your cookies.

Top with some perfect dimples in icy red cheeks.

Glory in the morning sun and the effusive beauty of baby skin.

Enjoy the fruits of your labor: seconda's smile...

...stories on the couch...

...and a head-banging piano lesson from best friends.

In other, random things I've enjoyed today, the music of Pomplamoose matches my mood this season.

Tomorrow is my last morning with my kids for the week. Then off to all those things I haven't done since March: coffee alone with a friend, lunch at another friend's home, bowling, a party with Aaron's co-workers, nights alone, sleeping on my stomach and staying up till all hours and sleeping in. Pray me luck!

Easy, fun ways to prevent cancer

As a cancer patient/survivor, I am passionate about telling people about cancer and how to prevent it. I thought I would summarize in a few quick bullet points. Please go down the checklist and make sure you are maximizing your chances of catching cancer early by checking your own body for signs of changes. You can find more resources about screening services available through your medical doctor here. Lastly, to assess your own cancer-specific risk, fill out this simple screening tool and read up about the cancers you may be most at risk for.

Neck

• Thyroid cancer is the most rapidly increasing cancer in women in the U.S. Your thyroid gland should be felt by a skilled care provider at least once a year. You should also perform a monthly neck self-exam along with your monthly breast or testicular self-exam. For instructions and a downloadable card to place on your bathroom mirror, click here.
• To prevent thyroid cancer, avoid using iodized salt if you eat plenty of store-bought canned food and salty foods like soy sauce, store-bought condiments, and cured meats. Excess iodine in your diet can lead to thyroid abnormalities.

Breasts

• 1 in 8 American women will be diagnosed with breast cancer. It is most commonly discovered during a monthly self-exam by the woman herself. Breast cancer can also occur in men, although it is rare.
• Breast cancer risk factors include advancing age; family history (especially among sisters or mother/daughter); over/underweight; a diet laden with hormones, such as those that can be found in mass-produced red meat and dairy products; excessive alcohol use and smoking; oral contraceptive use; no or few pregnancies; early onset of periods; and DES exposure.
• To reduce your risk, know your family history! Maintain a healthy weight (>22 and <35>

Testicles

• 1 in 300 men will develop testicular cancer. However, the rates are rising, especially in the U.S. and in young men under 30, whose relative risk is now 1 in 100. Testicular cancer is most often diagnosed when abnormalities are noticed during a monthly self-exam of the scrotum.
• Risk factors include undescended testicle; HIV or other sexually transmitted disease infection; young age; and tall height (about 6'2"). To reduce your risk, be sure to perform self-exams, especially if you are tall and young! Practicing celibacy or monogamy will also reduce your risk somewhat, although testicular cancer can occur in men who have always been celibate.

Skin

• Skin cancer is the most common form of cancer in the United States. Each year there are more new cases of skin cancer than the combined incidence of cancers of the breast, prostate, lung and colon. 1 in 5 Americans will be diagnosed with skin cancer in their lifetime. Do a monthly head-to-toe self-check of your skin so that you are familiar with your birthmarks, moles, and variations in skin tone.
• Watch for changes, especially irregularity of borders of a mole, bleeding or flaking of a mole or freckle, difference in color from one side to the other of a single mole, or tenderness, irritation or redness. If you notice any of these signs, check with your doctor.
• To reduce your risk, avoid excess sun exposure, especially between 10 a.m. and 2 p.m. Wear sun-blocking clothing (fact: light cotton has an SPF rating of 16-34. However, it loses 50% of it's sun-blocking ability if wet. Choose polyester or other tightly woven fabrics if you plan to get wet). Sun-blocking lotions have also been linked to skin cancer, so use clothing and hats whenever possible. If you plan a trip to the beach, be sure to eat lots of dark green leafy vegetables, berries and red wine! Antioxidants actually prove effective in preventing sunburn when consumed in high amounts within 24 hours before sun exposure!

Now, here is my short list of how to prevent cancer:

• Touch yourself - at least enough so that you recognize changes when they happen.
• Only have sex with one person - ever.
• Eat really good food - but not too much!
• Drink some wine - but not too much!
• Never, ever smoke. Not even when you're stressed. Or angry. Or depressed. (because, believe me!, cancer will make you more stressed, angry and depressed than you currently think you are)
• Go to the doctor once a year, like it or not. Make sure they check your neck, sex organs, and skin. Ask about other screening tests if you think they apply to you.
• Smile and laugh a lot. Go to church. Have faith. Be optimistic. Have lots of friends. Live slowly and simply. Relax. Go on vacations.
• Have sex (but only with one person, remember!) and make lots of babies. Lots and lots of them! Then nurse your babies, for a good long time.
• If you have a lump or a bump, tell someone. Don't succumb to embarrassment, fear or denial.
• Drink lots of water.
• Take your vitamins (or eat them in your food - even better!).
• Eat whole foods, and avoid refined grain and sugar if you can. Eat yogurt and other cultured foods that promote intestinal health. Don't eat hormones, preservatives, or unnatural ingredients (if it has a chemical name, it's probably not good for you).
• Don't put iodized salt in your shaker at home.
• Don't use contraceptives. (how else are you going to be barefoot, pregnant, and cancer-free?)

Hope that helps...it should have made you laugh a bit, if nothing else!