I am in a confusing place this morning. Doctors say my cancer may have metastasized. With bad news, I hear other Christians exhorting me to pray and I will be healed. God says that in the end, it won't matter anyway. What do I do, as a praying woman, a studying woman, a woman with faith, a woman with doubt? On one hand, I hear the words of Jesus...
"Have faith in God. I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." (Mark 11)

Yet Paul's experience echoes larger than life from the other hand...
There was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (II Corinthians 12)

Have faith, it can happen.
Have faith, it may not happen.
Have faith, it will be wiped away in eternity.

I, this praying woman, this studying woman, this faith-filled woman, this doubting woman...I focus tenaciously on my tasks at hand. Teach Amelia about grace, about omnipresence, about sacrificial love. Teach Rosalie about unconditional love, duty, blessing. Teach Katrina about kindness, compassion, teach her to read. Teach Caleb about self-motivation, temper control, show him the face of the Divine through motherly love. Make a home, keep a home. Persevere in school. For if I abandon the tasks at hand for prayer for my future, what use to Christ am I?

Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. (II Corinthians 1)

When I think about the Lord,
How he saved me, how he raised me,
How he filled me with the Holy Ghost,
How he healed me to the uttermost;

When I think about the Lord,
How he picked me up and turned me around,
How he placed my feet on solid ground,

It makes me wanna shout,
“Hallelujah, thank you, Jesus!”
Lord, you’re worthy of all the glory,
And all the honor, and all the praise.

When I Think About the Lord