Out of sync

A life raft made of spheres and oblongs, a handful of pills to chase away sadness, chase away the chaotic mind, smooth the anxiety out like wrinkles on a dress shirt, float me into peace at night and drift me out of flashbacks by day. I feel angry at these pills, angry at my need. I long for the day I throw the bottles out forever, when my personal demons are finally hushed to a whisper and the armor of God is once more light enough to carry.

I knew lament so deeply as a nurse working with terminal kids. The bereft, uncomprehending shock of the loss of a child. I heard from those parents that for a while the earth seemed shifted off it's axis, flowers blooming when there should be ice forming, sun instead of rain, beauty instead of desolation. Their souls in gray and unchangeablely out of sync with life spiraling around them.

I paint a gray wash for the background of my first oil painting. I have been in the hospital four days again, sequestered in the quiet routine and lack of temptation there. I ignore the screw in the mirrors with which I could scrape pain away like the rubbish on my kitchen island. I look past erasers that I could burn myself with. Then they say I am better, and I can go home, and home I go. A lovely, bright, pleasant place, filled with children's laughter and the busyness of making meals, cleaning house, bathing brown dirt covered bodies before bed. I feel alien, and retreat to the porch for quiet. But even the outdoors conspires against me, and I frown at the sun.

My prayers, too, are gray. But somehow there is still comfort there. He is a Man of Sorrows. He knows betrayal, he knows temptation, He knows the unfair physical pain and torture, and the anguish of mind it brings. He is my Brother walking hand in hand with me through the gray wash, supporting me underneath that raft of pills.

I was just a child, when I felt the Savior leading

I was drawn to what I could not understand

And for the cause of Christ, I have spent my days believing

That what He'd have me be, is who I am

As I've come to see the weaker side of me

I realize His grace is what I'll need

When sin demanded justice for my soul

Mercy said no

I'm not gonna let you go

I'm not gonna let you slip away

You don't have to be afraid

Mercy said no

Sin will never take control

Life and death stood face to face

Darkness tried to steal my heart away

Thank You Jesus, Mercy said no

For God so loved the world, that He sent His son to save us

From the cross He built a bridge to set us free

Oh, but deep within our hearts, there is still a war that rages

And makes a sacrifice so hard to see

As midnight fell on the crucifixion day

The light of hope seemed oh so far away

As evil tried to stop redemption's flow

And now when heaven looks at me

It's through the blood of Jesus

Reminding me of one day long ago

~Mercy Said No, CeCe Winans~