Going through the motions

It is dark and silent, this place I have descended to in the past weeks. Holy hushed, almost. Like church during a funeral. A cave for the soul to hide, perhaps? I pray hard, eyes squinted shut, that some spiritual growth is revealed under the raw places soon - some messenger that this is worth it all. One foot, then the other, I say "yes" everyday by little increments: taking my pills, eating when I'm supposed to, getting up out of bed in the morning, going to work and delivering a lecture. If only there were a way to say "no" to pain.