Finding the "beloved" in the broken


First bare feet of spring on the wood shavings and gravel.
Cuts and bruises wait to be washed tomorrow.


Two pots of maple syrup kiss in the black and white eye of the camera.
The world goes black and white and I only see black,
the smudge of smoke, the blackened pots, the grill sagging
with years of tending syrup chalky with dust and dirt.


The wind whips and whirls and the steam flows fast out of my pots.
The wind draws the last lonely aching breath from my lips,
and I put down work and sit - slump - in a chair by the fire.


The pain of the past few weeks comes to the surface 
like dross in my syrup pan.
I am drowning in dross.


Yet below, the clear brown liquid, the sweetness of surrendering days
to vigilance and artistry with the works 
of Creator God as instruments in hand.
The dross drifts away and I dip for a sip of reminder that
this too shall pass.


The tears, the sorrows, the terrors of the night,
the torment of the day, the faces floating like a mirage of bitterness
where before were faces of mirth, beauty, simplicity, joy.
Just dross.
Dross I nearly drowned in.
Dross that is forever defeated at the Cross.


And afterward, in the sour way a meal tastes after you've vomited,
joy returns, and laughter buzzes through my lips again.
For He saved me, from this too, a sea of depression
so wide no boat could traverse.
Only on eagle's wings could I mount high above
and see it little, like He sees it,
a blurry mass of blue on a spinning earth filled with green.

I can't lie.
The past few weeks have been some of the worst of my life.
I have to sit down and pray about how to write it out,
what details are important, what sections to keep filed
forever lonely in my own memory bank.
Bear with me
and please keep praying as I continue this slow emergence

~ butterfly from chrysalis ~

from the valley of the shadow of death.


Too long I have lived
In the shadows of shame
Believing that there
Was no way I could change
I am not who I thought I was
And who I thought I had to be
I had to give them both up
Cause neither were willing
To ever believe

But the one who is making everything new
Doesn't see me the way that I do
He doesn't see me the way that I do

Forgiven beloved
Hidden in Christ
Made in the image of the Giver of Life
Righteous and holy
Reborn and remade
Accepted and worthy this is our new name

This is who we are now...
~ I Am New, Jason Gray~