In hoc signo vincit

It's hard to pick up a habit after you've dropped it. And hard to stop it once you've given in to the habit, hook, line, and sinker. Yoga was part of every day since April - until I got diagnosed with Lyme's disease in late August. Today is the first day I felt well enough to roll out my mat and get to work again.

I have a goal indelibly connected to the rubbery lines of that mat, a dream to play hockey again this fall. I have to drop a few pounds and gain a whole lot of flexibility to fit my goalie breezers again.

But my practice of yoga goes far beyond a physical goal. It is a time of meditation between God and I. It is teaching my children a peaceful form of exercise easiest for the littlest or oldest person to do in a modified way. It is my well of peace in the midst of the chaos of the day.

Today we used the mountain pose in my therapy session, a way I can feel strong when really I am so weak. The mountain pose is a strong, stable, unmoving pose. I am going to use that pose at the end of each reprocessing session to ground myself and remind myself that I am a strong, courageous, world-wise 32 year old, not a 7 year old girl. The mountain pose and the words I say with it will be my anchor, so that I can climb the rope out of the drowning of my past and up into the fresh air of adulthood.

"I am strong through Christ who lives in me. Through His work in my heart, I can do good works. From His hand flow blessings that paint my life with joy."

I'm praying this final step - reprocessing old memories - is the final key to my freedom from the cage I've lived in for so long. Today I feel as though the door is open, and I am timid, sitting on my swing and singing but not yet going free physically. I am afraid. I hope that the reprocessing, the mountain pose and my mantra change that and I truly fly free this time. "Habeas corpus. Vincit omnia veritas. In hoc signo vincit." (You have a right to your body. The truth conquers all. Under the shadow of the cross I will conquer.)