Loculation

I came across this word while writing a set of procedure guidelines for nurses today. It means "the formation of numerous small spaces or cavities within a larger cavity". It reflects something that has happened in my heart as the years go by. Around age 20, I started to notice that there were some pretty big abscesses in my character: infected, hard lumps that were getting more and more visible to the casual observer as time went on. Around age 25, I started the painful process of opening these flawed areas up for exploration, drainage, healing. It's not an enjoyable thing, to watch that smelly, icky stuff drain out for all the world to see, and to watch it heal, all scarred over. Now I'm finding that, if I don't let God probe deep enough in those tender spots deep within the wound, I am allowing loculation to occur. And years later, I have to open the whole thing back up again, because there were small areas within the large one that didn't get cleaned out well enough the first time around.

I was laying in bed a few moments ago, putting my sweet smelling baby to sleep. Thinking back over my morning. I am so tired, deep in my bones. I wake up tired, I go through my day tired, and I go back to bed just as tired. There is none of the usual ebb and flow of energy these days. And I am tired of being tired! As I audit my last few weeks, from a soul perspective, I really can give myself pretty good marks...for the most part, I've had a good attitude about this whole ordeal. But the last few days, I've been struggling to accept my situation and keep moving forward. Inertia is one of those physical laws of the universe that really applies to this situation: as the mud gets thicker on the tires, eventually they're going to stop spinning. Everything is going to freeze up. And that's where I finally am at. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually, I am getting to the end of my [human] rope. At this crossroads, I have to decide if I'm going to let God step in? Or if I'm going to struggle, and moan, and throw myself another good old pity-party? What did I learn last time, when I let God probe into this painful old wound called selfishness? For really, what I'm asking - begging! - God for, is for life to easy again, for life to go the way I expected. To somehow revert to pre-cancer. To just get my normal problems back.


Deep inside, I know that isn't the solution. Life wasn't that much easier before cancer. I would quickly forget how much worse it could be. Right now, I'm going to go lay down, say a little prayer that God's grace will cover my unfolded laundry and unplanned supper, and rest these tired bones awhile with that sweet smelling baby.