The life I was supposed to live

i cannot give my kids everything. they will be unprepared for some things that life brings them. but giving them everything isn't my job; that is a concern for another, bigger Provider. my job is to faithfully and diligently bring my children along this path. ~ Tonia at Study in Brown

They learn that God is ultimate. They learn that humanity's problem is sin. We all sin and are sinned against. We are both perpetrators and victims. For this reason, all of life must be viewed in terms of God's redemptive restoration of man. They see Jesus...Jesus Christ came to this earth and lived the life that all men and women should live. He fully obeyed the law of God, and through faith His obedience can be imputed to us. ~ Shepherding a Child's Heart, Tedd Tripp

Since I was a small child, there's been a dissonant chord constantly resonating in my soul. A deep, bass thrum, like an engine always running, a generator that powers some deep spring of energy and anxiety way down inside. Until I read this sentence, I hadn't quite figured out the source of that sound. Why, in a life blessed beyond measure, the child of good parents, raised with every opportunity our rich nation proffered, did I want, did I cry out, did I hug my knees to my chest and rock myself in sorrow? For many years, I've thought perhaps this wanting was simply my God hole...that cavernous crack where intimacy with God - walking hand in hand and seeing Him face to face - was supposed to go. Yet that dissonant chord also speaks of shame and deep disappointment with myself. Why do I feel so? I am a successful, intelligent, compassionate, generous woman (most of the time). I am doing exactly what I've always wanted to do. So why am I so disappointed in myself?

Because Jesus' life, that blameless, shameless life of serving God unswervingly - that is the life I was meant to live. Now I have words for this angst, at last. I am disappointed in myself because I screwed up, because I screw up all the time. I was meant to say Yes to God and I constantly say No. It is sin that fuels my God hole, because sin created it. Without sin, that perfect unity would exist. Now, with a label on it, can I dismiss this emotion, crush it into the dirt and step confidently forward on the stable ground of His grace. Someday I will be perfect, my eyes dry, my body strong, my heart completely and totally full of love, and out of love will flow submission, obedience. For now, I must satisfy myself with looking forward to heaven and a life of humble and broken praise as I thank God for stooping down to save me.

Maybe I've been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
~ Hallelujah, Leonard Cohen