Well, at least I'm not a goat...

God didn't say it would be easy... He just said it would be worth it.
(today's dose of comfort courtesy of mass chain e-mails from "God")

So I fainted 16 times yesterday. To comfort myself, I looked up baffling diseases on the internet (hey, it could be worse!) and watched the hilarious video of the fainting goats...again. I feel an odd sense of kinship with these goats. After all, I fainted at least once every hour I was awake yesterday. Not too conducive to getting much...er, anything!...done around my house, or on the pressing projects due at school. I am also starting to really wonder how I am going to function in a week and a half at school for full 8-12 hour days. That should be interesting!

My cardiologist is, in a word, baffled. No idea what to do with me. Never has treated anyone who faints this frequently (I've heard this before, believe me). He is concerned about the pacemaker, because if what they are catching on the event monitor is really true, I might need a defibrillator, and I also will need chronic pacing on days like today. Which, over 10 years, is fine. Over 50 years...now that could be a problem. When I faced decisions regarding cancer treatment, I dealt with the same double-edged sword. Don't treat it, and it might kill you - or destroy your quality of life. Treat it, and it might significantly shorten your lifespan - or destroy your quality of life. As difficult as fainting 16 times in one day is, the truth is that my quality of life is still pretty high. I can't swim, drive, climb ladders, run races, hold my children while walking, bike ride, snowboard, or supervise my children doing any of those aforementioned activities. But I can still talk, walk, write, comfort, read stories, cuddle, feed, diaper, instruct, enjoy. That's a lot to risk if the pacemaker isn't going to eliminate the fainting - just reduce the frequency.

I emerged from yesterday having fought off one seriously bad bout of depression, another wave of anger with the traditional Western medical establishment, and a disturbing stint of chest pain. I hit my head only once, so I think it's safe to say that my mind is functioning up to par. And I have no idea what to do next. I guess I will spend the next week pushing "record" on that event monitor many more times than I planned. I'll probably miss out on swimming with the kids over the 4th. I won't be helping with the driving or errand running anytime soon, that much is certain.

I still pray the pacemaker would work. And that the doctors will hurry the heck up and figure something out!

Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer.
From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

For you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the foe.
~ Psalm 61:1-3