Good advice

Being alone with the two littlest of my brood has made for a somewhat nerve-wracking, noisy week with lots of incidents of hilarity and more cuddling than usual.  I re-learned a few difficult lessons from my early mothering years when suddenly stripped of my eldest two...who "help" me more than I might think!  Here are a few tips (or bits of hilarity) from our week - little morsels of knowledge that you should always heed if similar alarm bells ever sound at your home...


If you ever add menthol bath salts to the bathwater, and then you smell something just slightly reminiscent of minty poop...

(you might want to check on the child you thought was totally potty-trained who is currently in the bath, maybe sooner rather than later)


If your toddler son ever tells you that he pooped down a furnace vent...

(DO NOT, I repeat: DO NOT reach down the vent with your bare hand, even if it appears to be completely empty and there is no sign of poop on the vent grill)


If your daughter ever comes up with a crazy story about how she dressed her kitten in a motorcycle helmet and took it on a drive through the countryside with her...

(DO NOT wait until you hear plaintive meowing emanating from the garage area to go untangle said kitten from a bicycle helmet on a hot and humid day)


If your youngest children ask you if they can play with rocks...

(don't ever say yes if there are no older kids involved, or you will be picking rocks out of ears and noses where they stuck them, and you will be bandaging bleeding fingers and heads when they decide to start a rock  - not "mock" - war with each other)


If your youngest children ask you if they can finger paint...

(please, please just say yes, for heavens sake!  Otherwise they are bound to improvise!)


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So, to recap, the following rules do not come standard in the Default Child Program loaded into their little brains at birth.  These rules will have to be programmed in after-market by a knowledgeable childcare provider, such as a harried mother or father.  Installation of these rules must take precedence over all other household tasks, particularly cleaning up prior poo messes or preparing meals.

1. When someone poops in the bath, call mom.
2. Never poop in holes other than the toilet.
3. Do not tie live animals up in any way.
4. Do not throw rocks.
5. Do not stuff anything in any body orifice.
6. Do not paint with bodily fluids.