I remember the many times I've wept for my third daughter. Through her brain infection, as we watched her fade away, and so many, many times as we've watched her creep back. Who knew a mom could feel fear teaching her baby the alphabet? But what if I can't?
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| Throwing flowers on Teddy's grave in November, 2009 |
For thus says the Lord God: Behold, I, I myself will search for my sheep and will seek them out. As a shepherd seeks out his flock when he is among his sheep that have been scattered, so will I seek out my sheep, and I will rescue them from all places where they have been scattered on a day of clouds and thick darkness. (Ezekiel 34:11-12)Vergil described fear this way: Obstupui, steteruntque comae, et vox faucibus haesit. (I was stupefied, and my hair stood on end, and my voice stuck to my throat.) Macbeth famously quotes that fear is "a dagger of the mind." Time to put on the helmet of my salvation. No more daggers. I'm allowing myself to be dragged out of this pit.
My manual of skills from therapy tells me that the opposite of fear is courage. I am going to try. One act of bravery every day. I already have tomorrow's plan: going to a water park with friends without shaving. Yes, I'm going full on hippie in public. Simple. But I think it just might work.
5 comments:
I can't imagine losing a child and how I would feel. I nearly lost a friend to depression and it started dragging me with her.
I hope the "helmet of your salvation" works, but I know it's a process.
Very powerful words.
Here from 5 minute Friday.
Psalm 40 comes to mind, "I waited patiently for the LORD, he inclined and heard my cry, he picked me up out of the pit, out of the miry clay." I have been there, friend, and know that pit of grief and loss and despair. May you cling tightly to His hand as He lifts you up. One day at a time. May His presence be close and tender with you today. Thank you for this eloquent post.
Your post is beautifully written.
Praying for the helmet of courage to protect you today. He is SO good!
Oh Genevieve...I've just spent the last 40 minutes navigating through your stories. Your pages. Your heart-laid bare. Reading each sentence of the sojourn of soul which has brought you to today, and will lead you still into tomorrow. The two small words seem insignificant, but come heartfelt: thank you. ...For sharing yourself. Your story.
This post for our weekly rescue of thought recording & knowing ourselves is placed so perfectly. When I saw Lisa-Jo's choice, I knew it would give fruit so deep and layered, flowering in each of us differently. "Afraid". Oh so many stories that could be told.
I'm blessed, I'm better for coming here today and reading you.
Any mom going through the things you're going and have gone through and can still quote Latin is just too amazing for me. You're awesome.
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