But that was a long time and no matter how I try
The years just flow by like a broken down dam.
There's flies in the kitchen I can hear 'em there buzzing
And I ain't done nothing since I woke up today.
How can a person go to work in the morning
And come home in the evening and have nothing to say.
Just give me one thing that I can hold on to
Searching. I am sure I have questions answered, so positive I practically skip instead of walking. And then, in the darkness of a new time of testing, I turn my ankle in the same holes. One minute, I have the clearest sight and surest perspective, as a worshiping woman confident in her faith. The next, I am blinded by my ignorance and my tears as I struggle with the weight of the world and wonder from where help will possibly come.
Last week was Amelia's worst week. I was suffering the worst heart rhythm issues I've had since last summer, and it was demanding my attention so that I might employ the limited means I have learned to prevent major catastrophe. And I failed my comprehensive exam in my doctoral program.
I've been told that the testing and the agony and defeats are all signs that I am on the wrong path. That the spiritual path planned out for me is a smooth one, with only an occasional divot...not like this one I am on, riddled with dents, rocks, and sticks on which to stumble. I used to picture my "life path" as a mowed path through one of those ethereal forests I read about in books. A smooth path, perhaps a short growth of grass, clover or wildflowers. Filtered sunlight dappling the landscape. Bird song lifting the spirit as I danced and twirled through the life God planned for me.
This place is very different. It is a real forest. The path is just a footpath trod by a few before me. The thick underbrush hides the stones on which I turn my feet. I constantly bend to push the branches away from my face. The air is thick and close, and the sun shines through only rarely. The light is a strange, dark and hallowed green. There are thorns that scratch my legs, and the trees and brush on either side grow so thick they are impenetrable to my eye. Am I navigating correctly? Should I turn and go back, revisit some milestone to be sure I am still headed the right way? What dangers lurk in the forest surrounding me? I feel exactly how I feel coming home down the long valley behind my house, on a footpath just like the one I've described. I have "peace that passes understanding". If you are a stranger to my path, to my home, your only response to my sureness will be consternation. But I am sure this is the path home. I know it in my bones. It doesn't matter a whit what the path looks like, nor how many stumbles, scratches or bumps attend my way down it. It leads home.
There is so little I am sure of right now. I am not sure how life will go for my sweet Amelia. I don't know how epilepsy will affect her siblings. I have no comfort for my tears at night. I don't know how God is expressing love and mercy in my life right now. I don't know with what clarity I will reflect back on this time in 5 or 10 years. I don't know if the tens of thousands of dollars I've spent on a doctoral degree I have been called to study for will be wasted or not. As my heart flips awkwardly in my chest, I don't even know what the next seconds hold. Life is uncertainty, at best.
But I do know that the words of John Prine in the song I quoted above - however achingly beautiful and reflective of the struggle that is this uncertain life - are not my life's song. I have found that "one thing that I can hold on to, to believe in this living is just a hard way to go". Blessed is the man whose strength is in You, who have set their hearts on a pilgrimage, in the valley of weeping (Psalm 84:5-6). God - the one who "will be who He will be" - the one I cannot understand...He is my one thing that I can hold on to.
In the morning, when I rise
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.
When I am alone,
Give me Jesus.
And when I come to die,
Give me Jesus.
Take time to watch this video. She says it better than I.
3 comments:
Gen, This is a beautiful essay. I typically appreciate the way in which you share your heart, but there are certain times when I am particularly moved. This was one of those times.
I found myself thinking of John Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress as I read, and so was amused at and encouraged by your citation of Psalm 84.
Jason
Dearest Gen,
You walk with the likes of Job, Abraham, Daniel, David, Paul. You are a light not hidden under a bushel basket, but shining forth for others to see and follow Christ as you do. God does not have the same ministry for all of us, therefore does not take us down the same dark road. We each have our own special assigned burdens to carry and put back on HIS mighty shoulders - His yoke. I do not believe that just because you are a Christian you have a smooth life and prosperity. Why would the Lord give us all those examples in the Bible if prosperity and an easy life were what we were to have? It is wonderful when He gives us those things and just as wonderful when He does not. Each is a path of learning and I am grateful for both. I love you dear niece.
Auntie Shera
Gen, I don't have the faith that you have but I envy yours. Your clearly are experiencing some major life trials and have been for a long time. You have to take each thing one at a time even though the time for each thing might be short. NEVER regret your education. You have a wonderful creative mind and you will and have leave and left your mark on everything you do. In the midst of the hard times there have been some funny ones (remember waking up to Phillis Carey giving you CPR in your first nursing course)?
You need to give you self a break. What I mean is that you are being very hard on yourself and perhaps God. I can only imagine what it is like to have cancer, a heart that is very unpredictable, a child with a very labile seizure disorder along with four children, husband and a household to run. To be able to get out of bed in the morning is an amazing feet. Take great pride in that. Look for the positive things each day that God has let you experience. They are there. They may be smaller than the big challenges are, but they are there.
My thoughts are with you everyday. I am so glad we reconnected. My best wishes are always with you, Barbara MacBriar
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