Seeds of doubt

Tomorrow I allow doubt to creep through my words for a day. It all starts with this song. I think back to childhood, the years I spent wandering around my own brain as a young adult. It hurts to remember the hurts inflicted on others as I tried to disown my own skin. The only answer then was Grace. And the only answer now is Grace. But in between the question and the answer is that sick-stomach phase when you sink in your shame and forget that the ladder is still sitting in the muck with you. The same ladder you crawled out on last time.

Nothing scalds like the memory of wrongs
I did when I was young
How could I?
How could I?
I see the eyes
of the others that I so carelessly abused
How could I?
How could I?
I'm sorry.
Well, I've carried this a long time
In a well-hidden bundle on my back
But I've realized repentance is weightless
So I'll lay my burden on the tracks.

And then I face the yesterdays
That disappointed.
Misunderstood by a cruel world.
And I'm angry.
You might suppose the years would close
the curtains on a scene
from such a time,
But this was mine to harbor.

It's going to be like delivery.
That's overdue and getting too heavy.
Then suddenly
I'm weightless.
~Weightless, Christa Wells~