The last sigh

My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you...Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me—a prayer to the God of my life. Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. (from Psalm 42, emphasis added)

Don't give up on me
I'm about to come alive
And I know that it's been hard
And it's been a long time coming
Don't give up on me
I'm about to come alive

No one thought I was good enough for you
Except for you
Don't let them be right
After all that we've been through
'Cause somewhere over that rainbow
There's a place for me
A place with you

In every frame upon our wall
Lies a face that's seen it all
Through ups and downs and then more downs
We helped each other off of the ground
No one knows what we've been through
Making it ain't making it without you
~Train, I'm About to Come Alive~

Depression. Do you know how much fake guilt is piled on when you are struggling with depression? You feel as though you are worthless, not the person you once were, losing your identity like sand off the dunes in the gusting wind.

My mother potty trains my son (which I thought was impossible). Teaches one child to read fluently (English at least). Keeps my house sparkling clean while I am away. Bakes and cooks for us. If there is such a thing as a supermom (I have yet to meet one), there should be a supergrandma title, too.

Sounds great, right? But I did not get to do it. Even worse, there's that evil hissing whisper in one ear that says I couldn't have, even if I'd been home.

Sorting summer laundry and getting the winter stuff out and organized took me well over a month, during which time we did not a table to eat on because it was covered in clothes. My recovery group leader comes out for two days and we get all the winter put away and summer actually in drawers.

Doctors, therapists, even family - they're encouraging us to put our kids in school next year to lower my stress as I finish my dissertation.

I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE.

That lie follows me around like toilet paper hanging off my shoe. And when I realize it, I wonder why no one told me. Don't they see the failure??


I contemplate the erosion of my faith, my identity, and my ability to self-love, all because of a little disorder called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Is God big enough? He says He is, and His word is infallible. The juxtaposition in this Psalm is not lost on me: sighing, somberness, and in it the request that He show love to us and give us joy.

 For all our days pass away under your wrath; we bring our years to an end like a sigh. So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom. Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days. (Psalm 90:9,12 & 14) 

 

Do I have the willpower and desire - zeal -  to trust Him again? I'm working on it. Running the race, hurdling the hurdles, weathering the storms, singing in the rain. Every sweet joy, from tea parties to the smell of tomatoes when you first open the can...numbered and recorded as the monuments I will look back on from this hard time. I need to remember the joy in the midst of the sorrow.

They heard my groaning, yet there is no one to comfort me. (Lamentations 1:21a)

And in the end, He will stop the sighing. One bright and glorious day, I will sigh no more. Forever after, I will instead lift my voice in song to praise the King who loved me in my deepest, blackest days and sent me gifts and signs to remind me of His constant presence and pursuit.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. (Rev. 21:4)

Serve God love love me and mend

This is not the end

Lived unbruised we are friends

And I'm sorry

I'm sorry

Sigh no more, no more

One foot in sea, one foot on shore

My heart was never pure

And you know me

Love - it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you,

It will set you free

Be more like the man you were made to be.

There is a design,

An alignment to cry,

Of my heart to see,

The beauty of love as it was made to be

~Sigh No More, Mumford & Sons~