God chains the dog till night; wilt loose the chain
And wake thy sorrow?
Wilt thou forestall it, and now grieve tomorrow,
And then again
Grieve over freshly all thy pain?
Either grief will not come, or if it must,
Do not forecast;
And while it cometh, it is almost past.
Away, distrust;
My God hath promis'd; He is just.
--George Herbert, "The Discharge"
I have felt personal oppression several times in my life, but the most recent manifestation rings most clearly in my memory. I struggled under the mantle of motherhood for three long years, uncomfortable, wondering why I had been granted these "blessings" that I didn't anticipate nor necessarily ask for. After the birth of my fourth child (and last, and first son), this burden miraculously lifted as I 'hit my stride' as a mother. The myriad joys and trials lit my soul like so many stars, and I walked around trying futilely to lessen the escaping light as it glanced off other, more miserable mothers. It was in this season of bliss that I received my diagnosis of cancer. It has been like a slow lowering into a very confining place spiritually. All around, I am hedged by fear, the gloomy faces of doctors, the confines of treatment that takes me away from my family for weeks at a time. Death is not at my doorstep, but I see him, a specter waiting far down the path, for the first time. Inevitably, I ask God why.
The interesting thing is that those stars in my soul persist. They are not snuffed out in this tight place. In fact, in some ways, the light they cast is infinitely brighter as it reflects off the granite walls of my grief so close to me on every side. My question still remains: why now? When I have finally reached a place of understanding and trust and faith, why test this new bud that has suddenly shot up from the rocky soil of my soul? Is testing the way that great gardener of my soul tends a new plant? Encourages it to grow? Certainly this bud of unshakable, overflowing motherly love wouldn't have sprung but for the adversity of early motherhood. Perhaps the crucible is His greenhouse.
1 comment:
Dearest Genevieve,
Hi! This is Amy's mother, Linda. I have been reading some of your blog entries and noticed that you had not received many comments. I suppose that it is because the Lord Himself is teaching you such deep lessons that none of us really know how to encourage you. I think we do not want to be like Job's friends with some pat answer or even an answer that He has worked in our lives that might not be an encouragement to you in your circumstances.
Having said that, I feel constrained to share some insights with you. They might not be an encouragement to you, but I sincerely hope they will not be a discouragement either.
I have been through a lot and know that the Lord will make everything beautiful in His time but indeed it will be in His time and we may not see it until heaven. The rest of the verse says that He has put eternity in our hearts and truly, eternal hope is the only hope that can give us what we long for. This life is short and full of trials -- it is indeed only a snack and the banquet will only be in heaven. If we expect the banquet here, we will always be dissapointed! We can only encourage each other to keep our eyes on Jesus who loves us and will get us through this life lived in a fallen world -- He will get the boat to the other side of the lake even though the wind and water appear to be about to capsize it!
Remember when our Caleb was about to go to be with the Lord? That night as I brought the twins up to see him for the last time, I knew in my heart that I couldn't make it through that night. God heard my cry and made gave me strength and it is one of the most special nights of my life even though it was one of the most difficult.
May the Good Shepherd, the Great Physician, the Bread of Life, the Light of the World, the Living Water keep you in His peace and strength and give you grace to be able to bear the things that He has prepared for you to walk in. He says in Romans 5 that when we pass through trials to glory in them because He is producing something in us - perseverance, character, and hope (eternal hope I believe). I do know that in my life, He really has used the worst times in my life, to work these things into me. For I am learning to just be still and know that He is God. It never was and still isn't an easy thing for me. As He unclinches my hands from my own life and of those I love, I have seen Him give me rest because we have literally no control over our own life or that of those we love. He is the One with the plan and they are for good and I am discovering that I can trust Him. I have learned that He can and does make something beautiful out of things I never ever thought He could.
My heart and prayers are with you. I will pray that you will be able to find your way to enter the yoke with Him and find His rest. Your sister in HIm, Linda Gregg
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