I never had a temper until I had children. At least, so I thought.
Katrina at 9 months |
Then - despite proclamations from multiple physicians regarding my eternal infertility - God gave me four children in four years. And before I was even half done bearing them, I found out I had a temper.
A bad one.
Yelling was part of my daily coping. Doors were slammed and laundry flung here and there, and sometimes I even dressed my kids roughly instead of tenderly. I remember pulling my fingers deep into fists so tight my chewed-short nails left imprints on the life-line of my palm. I often spoke through gritted teeth - my jaw so tightly clenched that I went to bed with an ache there in reminder.
Katrina & Rosalie in May, 2005. |
It was while potty-training my third daughter that I realized I really needed some help. I'd been praying about it for years, and I wasn't gaining any ground against this temper of mine. Another child was on the way...and this 3rd one would only be 15 months when the new baby arrived. I was already far beyond my human ability to cope with all the diapers, disobedience, and disarray. I didn't want my children to remember me as an angry mother spitting out commands, retreating in tears, and begrudging every chore she ever did for them. I wanted them to remember love. I wanted it to drip from my body like the blood of Christ, freely given from a heart that longed to be united with those little souls, my children.
A not-so-sweet mothering moment - all dressed up & nothing but tears! |
Thul girls, Christmas, 2007; you may notice #3's mischievous expression! |
One of the signs on my kitchen windowsill reminds me of this, to this day. Verses written out, along with the words, HE gave your voice back - use it wisely!
The purpose of the Proverbs is to teach - not to argue or debate; and to provoke thought. Proverbs is a compendium of wisdom, the sum of the moral wisdom of man, a group of wise and weighty sayings that reflect the truth of the world. Many people take Proverbs as a series of commands (1 + 1 = 2). Yes, all Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness (II Timothy 3:16). But there are books written specifically to different people at different times, there are commands and there is wisdom, there are judgements and there is story. The Proverbs are classically viewed as "wisdom" - guides for our moral and ethical behavior as Christians. Julian Rivers, a professor at Cambridge and Göttingen universities, has this to say about how we use and view all kinds of Scripture:
We do not read the Bible flatly as a book of rules for right living; rather we take full account of its literary and linguistic forms. We do not read it as merely an ancient source of pious thoughts; rather it is the true story of God and his people, which tells us how things really are and commands us to abandon our self-centredness and live for him. We do not think we must do exactly as ‘they' did; rather we seek to understand what was right about the judgements the texts make in their historic cultural contexts. We do not proof-text, taking a single verse or passage to have concluded the matter; rather we place it within a coherent and overarching view of God's entire revelation. We do not think that the Bible is simply a starting point, to be left behind as the Christian tradition unfolds; rather it points forward – and back – to Christ, who is the centre of our lives. And we do not read the Bible simply to know what is good and pleasing to God; rather we read it to be caught up into it and then to live it out.I am thankful that God spoke through Proverbs and personal trial to my heart. The triumph of my story is that I did get caught up in it...and my temper is largely a problem of my past. I wish I could point other mothers in the midst of their own struggle toward a "magic bullet" of Scripture that knocked the teeth out of my temper. Unfortunately, it wasn't just something I read, something I prayed, or something I changed that brought the beast of my temper under control. It was the Spirit of God living in me and changing me. For each of us, that process looks a little different. I can simply pass on hope that this, too shall pass. Get on your knees, deep in your soul. Beg God for change. Stay deep in Scripture, so that it runs through your mind like an infinite stream, conscious and unconscious, eroding the architecture of you into ruins and exposing the beauty of the marble out of which He is building a new creation.
With His strength, you will be able to laugh in the face of the worst of times, and have peace when nothing in life seems right. (Proverbs 31:25)
A few of the Proverbs that helped me most in my hardest times:
A fool gives full vent to her anger, while a wise woman keeps herself under control. (Proverbs 29:11)
She who is often reproved, yet stiffens her neck, will suddenly be broken beyond healing. (Proverbs 29:1)
In the fear of the Lord one has strong confidence, and her children will have a refuge. (Proverbs 14:26)
Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but she who has a hasty temper exalts folly. A tranquil (healing) heart gives life to the flesh, but envy (jealousy) makes the bones rot. (Proverbs 14:29-30)
This post linked to Ann Voskamp's thankfulness campaign:
4 comments:
Praise God for deliverance! This is one of the things I am most thankful for, being delivered (albeit imperfectly!) from motherly rage! Love, Mama
Loved typing that! Heehee.
Wow! What a beautiful post. It's so brave of you to admit that not all of mothering is perfection. It's not all easy. thank you for sharing your heart and being so honest.
Thanks, Gen for sharing this.....I could have written the exact same words - up until your diagnosis of cancer of course. I still struggle with this sin and am now seeing it in my children. There are days I think there is no holy spirit in me because of my darkness. I too have searched for answers and help....Currently I am trying to memorize some scripture so I will add these......I am so thankful for second chances.
Tracy, I am sorry you are still in the thick of it. Unfortunately that Old Sin Nature is a tough one to crack, isn't it?!!! I seriously thought the days of my temper would never end. I think part of my recent victory has been because cancer has completely made me loosen up - my house is crazy messy (dirty even, sometimes) and I haven't even THOUGHT about potty training my almost 3 yo son. I used to be much more goal-driven. Now my goal is to smile at my kids, feed them, and somehow squeeze in a nap or two for myself. My frustration level and exasperation level have dropped astronomically. I wonder if praying about it and figuring out a MINIMUM accomplishment list for your days would help free you from all the duties we carry around on our backs? I know I asked Aaron about this back when I really started to lose ground on the house work , and he helped me identify the chores that he really needed to see done...as well as those that don't really matter to him (that was an A-HA! moment for me!!). I'll be praying for you.
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