Broken halos

A sinister kid is a kid who
Runs to meet his Maker
A drop dead sprint from the day he's born
Straight into his Maker's arms
And that's me, that's me
The boy with the broken halo
That's me, that's me
The devil won't let me be

I got a tortured mind
And my blade is sharp
A bad combination
In the dark
~The Black Keys, Sinister Kid~


The girl with the broken halo. I look down at my arms and fly through a flashback and wonder how I came to be the bad church girl. A friend in the psych ward told me that's why she could talk to me. Because I am a "bad church girl". 

I wondered, aren't we all? Some signs are more visible, of course - my 5 week on and off stint in the psych ward, the new scars on my body, the cigarette I smoke and the beer I drink. I shrink into my skin a little when she says "bad church girl" because I've always tried to be the good girl. Which gave me lots of room to praise myself and stole a lot of glory from the Lord. "Bad church girls" were always hypocrites in my mind. Because that's what I saw growing up: "bad church girls" were the ones who were one person on Sunday morning and a different person the rest of the. But I am cloakless now, the sins of my childhood and college years confessed and known to my family and friends. I dumped my whole past into the public. I write my current struggles here, for the public to see. As I unpeel wounds like layers of an onion (and yes, just like Shrek, they make me stink), and get closer and closer to the hidden depravities of my own heart, I am tempted to smother under the blanket of shame. Instead I remember verses I learned at 5, and know that we're all bad church girls, floating on the surf of the Father's grace.

There is no one righteous, no, not one. For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:10)
All our righteousness is as filthy rags. (Isaiah 64:6)
For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life. The saying is trustworthy, and I want you to insist on these things, so that those who have believed in God may be careful to devote themselves to good works. These things are excellent and profitable for people. But avoid foolish controversies, genealogies, dissensions, and quarrels about the law, for they are unprofitable and worthless. (Titus 3:3-9)