Rebuilding

Here, my dear

This is where

We'll shake the nightmares free

I dream to hold you in my arms

I dream to hold you in my arms

To hold you in my arms

Wide awake in my arms

I think I figured it out

We need to be together

Like the shore and the sea

We are not one thing

We're drawn here together

My ocean and me

Love we sleep apart

For the last time

For the last time

~Jon Foreman, Hold You in My Arms~

I keep waking up pummeling my husband at the end of a nightmare. Rape. It's a word we don't say out loud very often. Hush, hush! Who wants to admit it happened to them, too?

Rebuilding the house is difficult, draining, stretches me to the end of my perseverance. I celebrate small victories: no self-harm for over 2 weeks now, laughing at a joke with my husband. family sing-alongs around the piano, giving Rosy her piano lessons in spite of the turmoil of my soul.

But this is an eternal house I'm rebuliding. Reeducating my soul is one of those few building projects that will last for all eternity. It's worth the time, the energy, and the perseverance.

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. (Romans 5:1-5)

I desire character and hope. I want to emerge with more of both. Right now it feels like tug-of-war with evil every day and every night. Through the flashbacks and the nightmares, I know my soul is processing memories that are too big to simply think about. Looking forward, I may need medication for a long times...years even. God didn't give me stubbornness for no reason. I'm digging my heels in. This enemy is gaining not an inch from me anymore. My commander is the Lord of the Universe, my infantry Christians who stand shoulder to shoulder, shields in front and helmets on tight, swords held high (Ephesians 6:10-20).

This verse is a sharp thrust right in the gut, the sucker-punch that you don't see coming. The reminder that God is not happy-clappy - He has big things in mind, and you are part of them. Build with the right materials and your life will make a lasting, eternal impact.

....each one should be careful how he builds. For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man’s work. If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames. Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit lives in you? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him; for God’s temple is sacred, and you are that temple. (ICorinthians 3:10-17)

don’t give up tonight

I know you’re going through the valley, 

but you’re gonna make it out alright

Hey, tell your troubles goodbye

Go on and leave it in the valley,

leave it in the valley tonight

So you think He don’t know what He’s doing

You think He ain’t by your side

Well, God knows when you’re broken

And He’s loving you, He’s holding you so, so tight

So let the rain fall

He’ll be standing there getting wet with you

You might get cold but you won’t be there alone

And when you’re hanging by a thread hold on

You know the darkest part is right before the dawn

So when your fear has worn you out

Feels like the sky is on the ground

He ain’t gonna let you down

He’ll never let you down

~Mandisa, Leave It In the Valley~