Miraculous, unbounded kindness

Less than 0.05% of women get pregnant in the first 18 months following a tubal ligation, permanent female sterilization. The surgery I had in late May, 2008. I'm guessing very few of those 5 women in every 10,000 underwent cancer treatment in the same 18 month interval. I knew before I took the test, this was one miracle that was going to knock my socks off, knock me right off my feet, most likely. After weeks of waiting in vain for a sign that I wasn't pregnant, I finally caved and took a home pregnancy test at 4 this morning. And I stood, staring at the two pink lines, thinking, "God, I can't believe you sometimes! I just can't believe this! I can't believe this!"

Less than 30 days ago, as I pondered the upcoming adoptions some friends are undertaking alongside our own stalemate on the adoption front, I sat down and poured my heart out to God. I don't feel ready to be done having children, I told Him. I have unhealed wounds from weaning Caleb so early, from getting the tubal without much time to ponder where I was at emotionally, spiritually, physically. I feel like I need another chance to finish this part of my life. I know it might be grief...cancer grief, to be specific. I am just telling you the desires of my heart. This is my desire. In Your time, please send me another child. At first I didn't think at all of the possibility of becoming pregnant again...not until my cycle was a few days late. Then I started to wonder, but it was just a passing inquisitiveness, not really founded in any realistic expectation.

And then another week passed. And another. And I did start to wonder. Not enough to destroy the element of shock and surprise when that second pink line showed up on the test strip this morning at 4 a.m.! Too excited to sleep, I went to the kitchen for a snack and some reflection on how my life just did a 180...again! Katy found me in the kitchen, sat on my lap, shared in my ecstatic, exuberant, disbelieving joy. What fun to share that news with your oldest in the middle of the night. Neither of us slept much more. I repeated the test at 7, and left the stick and a note for Aaron on the vanity (quite a far cry from the "baby" themed feast I made for him to announce Caleb's impending arrival! After baby spinach, baby carrots, baby dill pickles, baby back ribs, and baby red potatoes...he still didn't get it! I figured I'd go for obvious this time around). A few dozen celebratory phone calls, and I still haven't come down. It's the giddiest news I've ever gotten!

More concrete proof in my life story that God is here...and He is listening, and loving, and lavishing.

There are consequences, choices to be made as usual. When you're still not out of that active cancer phase, nothing is uncomplicated. To further cloud the joy (as if anything could cloud it on this happy day!) is the specter of ectopic, or tubal, pregnancy. I am at increased risk. Please keep my Wednesday ultrasound in your prayers...please keep my baby and my own body in your prayers! And remember to offer up praise, for our God is an awesome God, and He reigns...in heaven and here, in infertile and scarred bodies offered up as offerings of worship to His throne. (Listen to this passage heard first in Nehemiah 1 and echoed in chapter 9, set to music here by Hillsong United)