Inside there is silver

Yesterday was another day wasted spent at the doctor.  My headache isn't improving yet, and my double vision and the glowing aura in my vision became markedly worse yesterday, probably because I am spending so much time staring at a screen to revise my comprehensive exam.  The eye doctor gave me good news and bad: my double vision is due to a brand new astigmatism, thanks to changes in my eye shape from the fracture in my eye orbit and the impact to my eye.  Based on his findings in my eye 2 weeks after the fact, this doctor believes I hit the toilet with my eyes open and sustained impact right to my eyeball itself (even I, the oblivious and impervious nurse, find this somehow quite gross).  So I need glasses, for short distance stuff especially, at least for a few weeks.  I am actually quite excited about this.  I found the most retro frames I could, although after some websearching, I am quite disappointed that I didn't hold out for Shuron's Nulady in crystal brown.



Oddly enough, I think I look great in cat-eyes.  If I am a life-long eyeglass wearer, I think I will make it my personal style and go to the trouble of buying vintage frames (I assume it will be harder to get lenses made for them, but who knows?).  So...that is the good news.  Believe it or not.  The bad news is that I have several bubble-like areas on the retina of my right eye, which may detach over time.  The best possible scenario is that they will heal over time and I will have no long term damage.  The glowing aura is from the spots of retinal detachment currently present in my eye, so that would go away if it heals.  The worst possible scenario is that I may go completely blind in my right eye at any time, and quite suddenly.

Once I get through my initial skeptical, pessimistic and irritated reaction (that "old sin nature" rearing his ugly head within), I usually quickly see the silver lining.  It's easy to see here: for some reason unknown to me, I do not have a particular dominant preference for one eye or hand over the other.  Although I have difficulty writing with my left hand, I can shoot, bat, cut, dice and slice with my left, which is unusual for a right-handed/right eye dominant individual.  As far as eyes go, I have no difficulty shooting left-eyed, nor taking photos that way.  If I do go blind in my right eye, it won't be as difficult for me to make the switch as it would be for most people in their 30s.  The other part of the silver lining: the amazingly awesome eyeglasses I get to wear...and just sometimes!  I don't even have to commit to full-time use.  Which is really sweet!

All this came flashing through my mind today when I watched a video a cancer friend had posted, Natalie Merchant's mid-90's "Wonder".  I remember identifying strongly with the lyrics of this song when it came out around the time my heart condition was getting so bad in high school.  I searched for videos of the song to post here, and came across a potentially disturbing one...the original official music video.  If you'd like to think more deeply about the meaning of the words, and ponder whether Merchant's perspective is godless or mocking Satan, watch the original video and comment.  I'd be curious to hear the reaction you have.  For the purposes of this journal, I posted a less confusing video...a beautiful acoustic rendition of the song accompanied only by her own piano part.



Doctors have come
from distant cities
just to see me
stand over my bed
disbelieving what they're seeing

they say I must be one of the wonders
of God's own creation
and as far as they see they can offer
no explanation

newspapers ask
intimate questions
want confessions
they reach into my head
to steal the glory
of my story

I believe
fate smiled and destiny
laughed as she came to my cradle
"know this child will be able"
laughed as my body she lifted
"know this child will be gifted
with love, with patience
and with faith
she'll make her way"

people see me
I'm a challenge
to your balance
I'm over your heads
how I confound you
and astound you
to know I must be one of the wonders
of God's own creation
and as far as you see you can offer me
no explanation