Listening

"But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon Him; and with His stripes we are healed." Isaiah 53:5 KJV (emphasis mine)

I have always been a chatterbox...just ask my father! He branded me as such early in my childhood and pokes fun at me still for how much I talk. I also have a temper problem, which has been brought to the forefront by my four children. (I didn't really think I had a temper until I had them - compared to my two of my younger brothers, I was always the calm child in the family!) This is yet another case of "be careful what you ask for!" - about 6 months ago, I prayed that God would remove from the ability to lose my temper, that He would completely resolve that issue for me and wipe it out of my life. I hate nothing more than yelling at my children. It usually happens when I am trying to get us out the door for some fun, memory-building family moment. (Note to self - and other busy moms: plan less fun, memory-building moments that require travel - just stay home and pick some flowers with your kids!)

As usual, God is proving His enormous cosmic sense of humor in completely removing my ability to raise my voice above a whisper. I was actually laughing at myself this afternoon (big, silent guffaws!) as I whispered at Katy, "Get back here RIGHT NOW!" She didn't even hear that I had spoken, much less absorb my anger! I am not sure if it is inflammation or permanent damage, but as of right now, I have no voice at all. I can speak, but not above a whisper. God has, quite literally, removed my ability to raise my voice at my children. Even if it is just for a season, I hope I learn how to communicate with them more effectively in this time.

The verse that opened this post is causing me to do some deep thinking tonight. I am in a stage of listening, not talking. Our small group met with some missionaries from Mexico tonight, and they had some wonderful tidbits from scripture and their lives to share with us. The woman quoted this verse to me several times, shared with me her own testimony of healing, and highlighted the past tense nature of this verse. I believe, whole-heartedly, that God can choose to miraculously heal any physical ailment, any place, any time. I also believe that He does not always choose to do so. Had I a voice, I would have shared these thoughts and questions with this woman. However, God has me in this place of simply listening. What do I make of this verse, in light of both of those truths? I think that He has healed me, eternally so! I am headed to heaven, and whatever physical ailments I may have that inconvenience me or even snuff the life out of my mortal body are inconsequential in light of that fact. My question is, do I need to have more faith in the potential for His physical, immediate healing of me, or even the reality of that healing as a past tense already-accomplished fact? He says that if I had faith the size of a mustard seed, I could move a mountain (Matthew 17:20). Does this cancer exist because of a lack of faith on my part? I am spinning on that question tonight.

Healer, heal me
Savior, save me
Maker, change me
Lover, love me

So I fall on my knees
To get back on my feet again
And I cry out for You
Would You please speak to me
~ Ten Shekel Shirt, "Healer"

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