God things or Satan's bling?

The internet is replete with rabbit holes into which one may fall with one click of a mouse key. I ran down a few last night, and found some more research articles on papillary carcinoma - follicular variant. One, in particular, has sent my mind spinning off in all kinds of untoward directions! The article, co-authored by the pathologist my tumor is being sent to within a few days, mentions the hazy diagnostic procedures used by many hospitals in differentiating between types of follicular tumors (which I have). There is one word mentioned over and over in that article that sort of sends a tingle down my spine. Anaplastic. It is a word for a very deadly type of cancer of the thyroid. That type of cancer isn't ever really cured, and is a death sentence for many.

At the beginning of this process, words like this were never spoken. Today, two physicians mentioned that word in passing. I don't like hearing it. Yet I feel it is an odd sort of blessing to hear it now instead of two weeks from now, in more concrete terms. This is a amorphous, ill-defined entity that is lurking just inside the threshold of my consciousness, present but not really acknowledged, seen but not really recognized. I can't decide whether it is better to be stabbed in the back with reality, an unseen intruder crashing suddenly in a physical way, or to be watchful of the reality, seeing it, knowing it is there, yet never quite sure how to react to it.

Is God preparing my heart for something big in the next few weeks? I keep getting the nagging sense that He is. It could also be Satan, distracting me from the momentary, fleeting blessings of today with the specter of doom in tomorrow. So many little things - watching the news for the first time in months and seeing a story about a young woman much like me who is dying of terminal cancer; reading an article that mentions the misdiagnosis of anaplastic carcinoma; being connected to physicians across the country who can potentially greatly help us, or bring us the next harbinger of pain to come; meeting up with an old friend I lost track of 12 years ago, and being comforted and encouraged by her just when I need it most; my children asking questions I never wanted them to ask and doing things I never wanted them to do...crying about cancer, asking about orphans, weaning against their will.

The truth is, I can only discern part of the path that lies ahead. This story from Daylights encouraged me:

"The waiting lines [at theme parks] are well marked with rails or bars. But the key concept is that the path of the line winds. In thinking over my life, I wonder if God uses the same strategy with us. With the optimism of youth or the naivete of the ignorant, we assume our sanctification or the solution to a problem will be swift. God knows differently, but He only reveals the next step or two because He understands how much we can handle at any time. In His tenderness and compassion He moves us along through a hardship at His pace, weaving in a thousand other strands of circumstances of which we are unaware."
~ Dotty Vanderhost, Cornerstone Community Church, Daylights, September 27

They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

~ Natalie Grant, Held