Losing sight of what was promised

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
~ Psalm 62:5-8 ~

I found these verses in a note from a dear friend who, in the brilliance and clarity of youth, went to God's word to offer words of comfort where words of her own would not come. This reminded me of how I felt when I had the wisdom, in my youth, to go to Scripture, while adults around me stumbled and stuttered in their humanity when faced with the suffering of another. I am the adult now, and I sat with my Bible open but eyes blinded by tears so many times through these trials. Particularly when I regarded the loss of our baby, such a miracle that first day. Overshadowed by Amelia's illness, the symptoms of pregnancy were a mere inconvenience instead of a celebration of God's gift to us through that one week I had of normal pregnancy. Then, the loss, over four weeks, of what I hoped for and dreamed of. Dreams awakened, not by my own idle thoughts, but by the miracle of life itself within me. I still struggle with the intentional awakening of my desire, when He, in His omniscience and omnipresence, knew that desire would be burnt on the flames of loss in a few weeks time.

No guilt in life, no fear in death/This is the power of Christ in me/From life's first cry to final breath/Jesus commands my destiny. As I look back on the darkest days of my grief, so quickly and easily passed, like the fleeting breath that was a few weeks of pregnancy, I realize my error. In looking intently at the pregnancy, I focused too much on the reflection, neglecting to turn my eyes upon the source of the glory. I saw only the gift, and not the gift of God. With words, I praised Him, but my eyes remained fixed on the promise of another child, not the promise of another child for eternity. In this momentary lapse of eternal perspective, I forfeited the joy in large part. Not that it's easy. I am still going to cry about this. I believe God supports grief and is with us in grief. He grieves with us that this world is cursed because of human sin. But He has also lovingly, lavishly provided the solution to our problem: Grace. His own Son, sacrificed on the cross, so that death will never be the conqueror. And as He stands in victory/ Sin's curse has lost its grip on me/ For I am His and He is mine -/ Bought with the precious blood of Christ. Death for my babe, whose last recorded size, on the pathology report, was 2.45 centimeters long, has been swallowed up in the grave of Christ, when his disciples and the soldiers found an empty tomb. My tears are swallowed up in the gift of life eternal granted by the spilling of His holy blood. What heights of love, what depths of peace/ when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!/ My Comforter, my All in All/ here in the love of Christ I stand. For God, out of sorrow flows joy. And that is the gift offered us in the blood of His son. Believe this miracle happened as reported in the Gospels and other historical texts of the time, and for you as well, out of sorrow will flow joy. That is the power of the blood.

That is the promise of the Gospel. And that is the life I now live. I am redeemed. My unborn child is redeemed. And someday we will both be resurrected and reborn to a life of joy that will never end.

When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.
Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.

But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.
~ Psalm 73:21-28 ~

*Song lyrics excerpted from In Christ Alone, a modern hymn written in 2002 by Stuart Townend and Keith Getty. Click play below to listen to it.