Really?
Call me old-fashioned - I thought it was a divinely perfect organ for the nourishment of a tiny, helpless human being a few cells this side of oblivion, on it's way to all that loveliness we call baby. When I heard the obstetrician talk in this way about the baby growing inside me, something seriously snapped. I am struggling with anger, distrust, and sarcasm as I deal with our care providers in Eau Claire - from the midwives who hung me out to dry on the abortion issue, to the physicians who missed Amelia's encephalitis for weeks on end. It is such a struggle to balance acceptance, submission, a quiet spirit, humility, my belief in a cursed world and a loving Jesus...with advocacy, righteous anger, wrestling Truth out confusing circumstances. I desire to abandon the mindless thrashing and argument over things of the world that will not last, and focus the little energy I possess today on the things that really matter: for instance, the fact that many of the doctors, nurses, and midwives working with our family through this time of suffering and possibly death are not on their way to an eternal heaven. Instead of fighting to save the life of myself or this baby, I need to show them...through words of love and submission to a sovereign God who has placed this child in my body...that my body and my life is not the final battleground on which to waste the rest of my ammunition. My body, my soul...Amelia's body and soul...even this tiny unborn baby's body and soul...are destined for greater things, a more beautiful place.
The biggest question still swirling around in my head and heart today is how to convey these things without looking like the barefoot, pregnant, married-to-a-Christian-neanderthal, blindly submissive, irrational woman they seem to think I am. The truth is, I made a decision to get a tubal based on rational information. I have a loving, serving husband who occasionally puts in his two cents, but for the most part, is quiet, humble, supportive, passionately loving, and admirable in ways I didn't know a man could be admirable. I like shoes - especially sandals - and rarely go barefoot. And anyone who thinks I am blindly submissive should go out with my husband for a beer sometime and ask him about that. He might have "two cents" to put down on that topic!
Pray for me on all counts. That I might speak Jesus in a situation where I definitely feel more like spewing some hellfire! That I might portray an intelligent but commited Christian in this difficult circumstance. That what shines through is the fact that I love Christ...and most of all, that He loves me, unboundendly, unexpectedly, unpredictably, unreasonably, irrationally.
Life is, in many ways, just as we've always known it around the Thul household. I enjoyed some moments of reconnection with Caleb last night - reassurance that this aloof little boy loves me as much as ever, despite another long 10 day separation. A reminder that each of my children grew miraculously during these early weeks of pregnancy...without constant watching and worrying and clinical indications. This baby inside me now could do the same...if we hadn't had these early tests, we wouldn't even be worried right now! Isn't that strange??!!
Amelia is enjoying being home with her sisters. Her deficits are fading daily: she started running (in a jerky, wide-legged stance) this morning, quite out of the blue. Her crossed eyes are improving as the days go by, worse when she is tired but not nearly as frequent during well-rested periods of the day. Her lack of coordination is still quite apparent, especially when we do activities that involve those small-motor skills and depth perception. True to rural Wisconsin form, I couldn't get her in with PT/OT until Wednesday of this week (there is only one therapist for the tri-county area on any given day). By the time the therapists arrive, I suspect we may no longer need them!I was encouraged this morning by Hebrews 7:25 in the Daily Bible, which reminded me of a beloved tune we used to sing at Urban Refuge: Consequently, he is able to save to the uttermost those who draw near to God through him, since he always lives to make intercession for them.
When I think about the Lord,
How He saved me, How He raised me
How He filled me, With the Holy Ghost
How He healed me, to the utter most
When I think about the Lord,
How He picked me up and turned me around
How He placed my feet, on solid ground
It makes me wanna shout
Hallelujah, Thank you Jesus
Lord You're worthy
Of all the Glory, and all the Honor
And all the praise
~Makes Me Wanna Shout
1 comment:
Just finished Walking the Balance Beam. I admire how you are able to speak up for you beliefs in regard to your medical choices. I hope you never have to feel as you look "barefoot, pregnant, married-to-a-Christian neanderthal, blindly submissive, irrational woman" again. Any one who has spent very little time with you knows how very intelligent you are. With my second child I was given "the look" when I informed my mid wife our religious out look on IUD's and hormonal birth control. One of them tried telling me like I was a stupid dummy that the pill did not cause early abortion. Right on the package it explains how it will make the inner lining of the uterus very hostile to implantation. Another told me that fertilization rarely happens so I didn't need to worry about it.(So it makes it ok if a fertilized egg has no where to implant occasionally.) To make matters worse we had a few complications with my son to warrant us to weigh out the Pros and Cons of more children. When we left the hospital the midwife I had primarily been seeing TOLD me she'd be setting me up with an IUD. I never went back for my six week visit. Being scared I would not be able to speak up for myself I didn't go get the medical care I probable should have. Then when I got pregnant with my third I went to a different clinic/hospital. I am a week away from my six week check up and am pondering the question-- Do I try to explain why I don't want their pills and shots or Do I take the prescription and throw it away. I pray for every one to have the courage to stand up for the religious beliefs(even if they are not the norm)and be treated with respect.
Post a Comment