Walking the balance beam

"Methotrexate is a chemotherapy drug that targets rapidly dividing cells. Which is all the placenta is, really."


Call me old-fashioned - I thought it was a divinely perfect organ for the nourishment of a tiny, helpless human being a few cells this side of oblivion, on it's way to all that loveliness we call baby. When I heard the obstetrician talk in this way about the baby growing inside me, something seriously snapped. I am struggling with anger, distrust, and sarcasm as I deal with our care providers in Eau Claire - from the midwives who hung me out to dry on the abortion issue, to the physicians who missed Amelia's encephalitis for weeks on end. It is such a struggle to balance acceptance, submission, a quiet spirit, humility, my belief in a cursed world and a loving Jesus...with advocacy, righteous anger, wrestling Truth out confusing circumstances. I desire to abandon the mindless thrashing and argument over things of the world that will not last, and focus the little energy I possess today on the things that really matter: for instance, the fact that many of the doctors, nurses, and midwives working with our family through this time of suffering and possibly death are not on their way to an eternal heaven. Instead of fighting to save the life of myself or this baby, I need to show them...through words of love and submission to a sovereign God who has placed this child in my body...that my body and my life is not the final battleground on which to waste the rest of my ammunition. My body, my soul...Amelia's body and soul...even this tiny unborn baby's body and soul...are destined for greater things, a more beautiful place.

The biggest question still swirling around in my head and heart today is how to convey these things without looking like the barefoot, pregnant, married-to-a-Christian-neanderthal, blindly submissive, irrational woman they seem to think I am. The truth is, I made a decision to get a tubal based on rational information. I have a loving, serving husband who occasionally puts in his two cents, but for the most part, is quiet, humble, supportive, passionately loving, and admirable in ways I didn't know a man could be admirable. I like shoes - especially sandals - and rarely go barefoot. And anyone who thinks I am blindly submissive should go out with my husband for a beer sometime and ask him about that. He might have "two cents" to put down on that topic!

Pray for me on all counts. That I might speak Jesus in a situation where I definitely feel more like spewing some hellfire! That I might portray an intelligent but commited Christian in this difficult circumstance. That what shines through is the fact that I love Christ...and most of all, that He loves me, unboundendly, unexpectedly, unpredictably, unreasonably, irrationally.

Life is, in many ways, just as we've always known it around the Thul household. I enjoyed some moments of reconnection with Caleb last night - reassurance that this aloof little boy loves me as much as ever, despite another long 10 day separation. A reminder that each of my children grew miraculously during these early weeks of pregnancy...without constant watching and worrying and clinical indications. This baby inside me now could do the same...if we hadn't had these early tests, we wouldn't even be worried right now! Isn't that strange??!!

Amelia is enjoying being home with her sisters. Her deficits are fading daily: she started running (in a jerky, wide-legged stance) this morning, quite out of the blue. Her crossed eyes are improving as the days go by, worse when she is tired but not nearly as frequent during well-rested periods of the day. Her lack of coordination is still quite apparent, especially when we do activities that involve those small-motor skills and depth perception. True to rural Wisconsin form, I couldn't get her in with PT/OT until Wednesday of this week (there is only one therapist for the tri-county area on any given day). By the time the therapists arrive, I suspect we may no longer need them!

I was encouraged this morning by Hebrews 7:25 in the Daily Bible, which reminded me of a beloved tune we used to sing at Urban Refuge: Consequently, he is able to save to the uttermost those who draw near to God through him, since he always lives to make intercession for them.

When I think about the Lord,
How He saved me, How He raised me
How He filled me, With the Holy Ghost
How He healed me, to the utter most
When I think about the Lord,
How He picked me up and turned me around
How He placed my feet, on solid ground

It makes me wanna shout
Hallelujah, Thank you Jesus
Lord You're worthy
Of all the Glory, and all the Honor
And all the praise
~Makes Me Wanna Shout