The grain of wheat, falling

I wonder sometimes if God lets us waste our mistakes and screw-ups in places where they won't matter as much. Saves the good stuff until after we've figured a few things out. As a teen, I was confused about everything from who God was, to my own dreams for life, sexual orientation, and the black and white of right and wrong. When you get shot down as a kid in certain ways, these things happen. I've lived 31 years thinking maybe there wasn't any fall-out from the sins of others that spilled over on to me when I was a child. But I see it like a well-worn path through the story of  my life now. And I see the fall-out of my own sin woven right with that cord, the damages to me and others because it took so long to reach this moment of clarity.

The first time Aaron held my hand, I thought for a second that someone had shocked me. Like, with electricity. Nope, just his huge, hot palm, tightly squeezing. I had prayed that God would send me a man who'd knock me right off my feet, if what He wanted for me was marriage and children. Having never been knocked right off my feet before, it took me a few minutes to realize what had just happened. Ever since then, I've hung on with all my strength, and oh, what a ride it's been.

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