More "wait"??

The world is kind of gray today and I woke up in a haze emotionally. We live in a an either-or world. There isn't an ambivalent middle ground, because even the ambivalent middle ground has been earmarked as a political stance in and of itself. I always feel out of sorts and pensive when I wake up gray. Give me fear, anxiety, anything! But I got nothin', walking in to this appointment. Five minutes for a doctor to explain the next 4 years of your life.

So her I am in the ambivalent moment. My doctor reads off the latest test results: minimal uptake in the neck region, some in the salivary glands, update elsewhere within normal limits. No evidence of recurrent metastatic disease. Okay. That is good. There are no pictures of tumors anywhere in my body. Now come the lab results. Last December, my tumor marker was at 3.5. Well, good news is that they are down to 0.9, which is still positive but not horribly so. Unfortunately, my goal is less than 0.1. I have a small amount of tumor antibodies, which developed over the summer and persist now.

For people who don't read thyroid cancer medicaleze: My scan was clear. My labs are still positive for cancer, but less so than last time. I don't need any more treatment at the moment. I will have another scan in November or December 2011, and will also have lab tests through the year to determine how I'm reacting to the current treatment.

I feel like lying in the white snow bank out my window for hours. Let the cold seep in deep, and the flakes slides silently across my face. Co-exist with the grayness. Forget everything for a long time and just sleep in a bed of nothingness.

I am in the same reality today as I've been every other year. My body isn't any different. It looks like it won't be until 2013 or 2014 that I'll hear that I'm "cancer free".

I pray to God, and He is supposed to answer one of three ways: Yes. No. Or Wait. I am so tired of waiting. Pretending I'm not waiting. Pretending I'm going on. I've been stalled out here for too long.